The People United Will Never Be Defeated!!!!

Yes, it is so true that if the masses were to come together as a unified body, we would get what we wanted. It is a proven fact that when people move as a group more gets done. This applies to everything from healing wounds to overthrowing a government. In the past week Egyptians of all ages have over taken the streets to protest the long time reign of their president. They want a change and they are going to have their voices be heard no matter what the cost, some went as far as lighting themselves on fire. Now, that is serious.

Why is this topic relevant to life coaching? Well, most of my clients have a consistent complaint about one thing or the other. Actually, it isn't just my clients but it is basically everyone I know, myself included. In NYC the persistent complaint currently is about the fare hike affecting all NYC strap-hangers.  The fare has for a monthly metro card has gone from $81 to $104. That is a huge increase, affecting everyone who rides the subway, many people have sounded off on it, but there was no real action taken around STOPPING the increase. I get that the MTA created some venues for the citizens to voice their concerns, however considering that they created the meeting and they chose the venue and the panel was all of their employees what does that sounding do? What does it change? Clearly nothing because the fare still went up. What else could have been done? Well, the masses outweigh the MTA bigwigs. If we don't ride the trains and the buses and the subway drivers and the bus drivers refuse to drive, guess what happens? NYC will come to a stand still and these bigwigs will have to think twice about messing with the hard working people of the city.

 Complaints are forever a part of life, but the complaints can turn into action for almost every area of life. You cannot wait for someone else to give you the answer, you have to be the answer. If you;re waiting for someone to rally the troops and you're getting agitated while waiting, then we have been waiting for you. If the tolls are way too high, then as a public we stop paying the tolls by not driving. Yes, it may hurt our pockets for a moment, yes we may not be able to get to work for a while but the complaint will no longer be there because as a PEOPLE the issue will have gotten resolved.

The people on this planet are all connected by love and there is freedom in love. The citizens of every country should be able to maintain a livable wage, and there should not be any signs of poverty anywhere on this planet. Leaders in every country should be able to take pay cuts so that its citizens can be free and at peace. That said, Egypt...I am with you. I respect what you are doing and I hope you get what you need.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!!!

A NEW YEAR...A NEW YOU...REALLY?

Why do people always state at the beginning of every year that this is their year? What were you doing in the previous year that had you NOT make it your year? Come on people, what are you waiting for to take control of your life?

New Year's Resolutions are so cliche and all of you know it. If you had a weak follow through in the previous year what makes you think that you will be able to organize yourself to follow through this year? Did you imagine yourself being where you are ten years ago? What have you accomplished? What do you have to show for your life up to this point? If the answers to any of these questions bother you then perhaps its time you start living the life that you want.

Set realistic goals for yourself. If you know you have to go on a diet please DO NOT try to lose fifty pounds in a month. Not every diet works for everyone. Also, just because you saw it on tv it does not mean it is right for YOU. Ask yourself why are you losing this weight? If the answer has NOTHING to do with your own happiness then squash that plan quick.

Secondly, team work is awesome. Enroll your closest friends to support you with your goals. Tell people so that when you know you are gonna slip you have a crew of people around you to catch you before you fall.

If you mess up on one of your goals it's okay. Don't beat yourself up please. Start over!!!!!!! Get back on the horse and do not stay down. Again, utilize the people around you, that's what they are there for.

People, don't wait for 2011to be the year where all of your dreams come true. The key to long lasting success is resilience and integrity. If you have integrity in your life you can never fail. Honor your word as it is golden, sacred and bond. If you don't honor your word, then you don't honor yourself and as a result you do not and will not honor others. Now, integrity matched with resilience is a fool proof plan. Keep on keeping on and DO NOT let your circumstances get in the way of your goals. Circumstances will always arise, but that's all they are. Who will you be in the face of it? A sucker or a kick ass grinder. Step up or get left back.

I Love You But I LOVE ME MORE

I often wonder what people mean when they say that they love someone more than themselves. I wouldn't want someone to love me more than they love themselves because that love must certainly be questionable. Loving oneself is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself. Loving yourself frees you from tolerating nonsense and standing up for yourself. Loving yourself allows you to be real with yourself and others without hesitation even if it means loving the people from a distance.

This year was one that changed my life forever. I got married, had my first child, started my own company and let go of two people who I was once very close to. I am not ashamed to say that I love these two people but life has taken us to separate life journeys. I have no problem moving away from friendships that are no longer age appropriate nor mentally fulfilling. I can't speak for them but having a child has opened my eyes to the kind of people I want in my life and the people that I don't. It's as simple as that. I hold no hard feelings, no malice, no harm intended but some people I choose to love from a distance and that is okay with me.

How many times have people made you feel guilty for making a choice that's best for you but not necessarily best for them? They can feel however they want but YOU have to remember that you're the star player in your life and you must look out for your best interest. Whether it's choosing to leave a relationship, friendship or job if you're not happy you have to make the move that will allow your bliss to flow. Staying in any situation that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable cannot possibly end well. Neither party appreciates being jerked around, and as much as parting ways may hurt at the time it is probably best for everyone. Keep in mind that people get hurt and they will say things from that place that are truthful for them. I was told that my love is conditional, I make rules but don't play by them, I'm a hypocrite, I don't really know what love is and plenty more. What I've taken away from those opinions is that they are just that, opinions. Did they hurt? Yes! Was I upset? Yes! Did I vent about it? Yes! Did it break me? No!!!! Hell no!! What it did was allow me to take a look at myself from their point of view. I admit that I have a way about me that can occur as cold and unwilling to check myself if you're looking for it to be like that. However, what is the truth and what will never change is that I love my friends dearly and I will do anything for them. However, once I evaluate a friendship and it seems one sided or something is gone that cannot be replaced nor retrieved I bow out. I bow out in peace and wish them the best. Contrary to their beliefs I'm very critical of myself and I take a long hard meditation to fully grasp the situation. Things don't always go the way I want them to, I don't always say things with the most amount of compassion but the love is always there. Always!!

I shared about me so openly because there is freedom in it. I love myself and I love the person I have become and I'm never afraid to say that. I hope all my readers will also do the same by facing yourself and not being afraid to discover the parts of yourself that need polishing but you love you anyway. If you guys can practice loving yourself, flaws and all you'll have an easier time walking away from situations that you no longer want to be a part of. I'll say it again, you have to love you more than you love anyone else in order to be a truly unconditional lover. We only have one life to live and to love. Why would you want to waste it being miserable and uncomfortable? We shouldn't. Love others but love you more.


Want practice in loving yourself?

Call me: (201) 500-7146
Email me: PurePeaceLC@gmail.com
Visit my website: www.purepeacewithlove.com

ENOUGH!!!!!!

"Love will never hurt. Love won't hurt you with hands, words or deeds. If you feel pain and you think that you have to stick it out because of love, you are taking love away from yourself. Love heals, love builds, love comforts, love brings you to honesty, love brings you to a place of peace. Anytime pain is introduced,... that is the absence of love. Take care of yourself."

                                                              ---- Tahira West-Sylvan

When is it time to say enough? I am through! I have had it! I am leaving and I am not coming back! The answer is anytime. Anytime you want to say enough is when you say it. Will you? Now that is a different matter all together.

I had to explore why people stay so long in situations that they dislike. Of course in order to get a reasonable answer I had to look at myself. Why do I tolerate certain situations for a long time before I say enough? I think as a child I never really told. I didn't tell on my friends or my cousins when they did something bad, I just watched. As an adult that has gotten me into situations that could have been avoided had I put my foot down and said ENOUGH but I just tolerate the nonsense. Finally I said to myself, I am worth so much more than taking someone's shit. I am worth more than anyone's short comings, I am worth more than having to take someone's shit because they feel badly about themselves. I AM NO ONE'S PUNCHING BAG, physically or emotionally.

So for my readers I ask, why do you take someone's crap? Why do you let them abuse you because they feel bad about them? What's that about? Could it be that you stay because you think that is what love is. Could it be that you think that you have to endure and suffer to say that you have love? Could it be that without that kind of pain you don't feel valid? There could be a series of things and YOU have to find what it is. I encourage and urge you to become so deeply invested in yourself that you will feel like you are in love all over again. What does that kind of love look like? Well for starters, you put your foot down and say ENOUGH. Don't just say enough and bluff but say enough and walk away. Take a day, a week, a month, whatever it takes to get back to you. Fall in love with yourself again by reminding yourself that you are your number one. You have to remember why you are wonderful, beautiful and worthy of all things good. Take long walks with yourself, talk to yourself, pamper yourself. All of those things are wonderful but none of them will matter until you can FORGIVE YOURSELF and MASTER YOUR THOUGHTS.

Forgive yourself for allowing you to be abused, mistreated and for not standing up for yourself. Forgive yourself for straying far away from who you are and for forgetting to lift yourself up everyday. You forgive yourself and then you stuff yourself with beautiful thoughts. You design what you want your life to look like, figure out what your life needs and flood yourself with ways to getting what you need. Just as simply as you allowed yourself to get lost, and tell yourself lies....well its is just as simple to find yourself and be real with you. Be real YOU! Find You!  Love you! Invest in you!

I understand that I didn't provide you with the easiest concepts in the world here but I am willing to work with you. This blog is a guide but my coaching is transformational. You need support finding yourself? You need support saying ENOUGH? Reach out to me, the realest and most compassionate life coach.

Email: Purepeacelc@gmail.com
Phone: 201-500-7146
Website: www.purepeacewithlove.com

Punishment by Yelling and Beating = Resentment and Thoughts of Suicide

I am compelled to write about something that has moved me deeply over the past 24 hours. It's something I witnessed and something I have experienced. I'm not sure what exactly had me be moved to tears but what I do know is that the intense and unmistakable feeling of hurt and resentment has bubbled to the surface.

I find it humiliating and disrespectful to yell at your child for more than one minute. Actually I don't think yelling at your child is reasonable at all. I can understand if it's done out of fear like "Don't cross the street." or "Don't touch that" or " Be careful" because those exclamations are expressed out of sheer terror. Those things are said when you believe your child is in danger and you want to demand their immediate attention. Those warnings are usually followed up with breathless kisses and sighs and perhaps sobs just thanking God that your child is okay. I'm sure a talk with your child about why you acted that way follows and soon everything is all good again. Happy ending.

Now the kind of yelling I am talking about is that put down, extra loud, in front of people, hurt your feelings and don't care, obnoxious, never ending, telling everybody kind of yelling that most Caribbean mothers choose to engage in, at least my mother anyway. I have looked for reasoning in this behavior to find the benefits of it and I've come up with none. That type of yelling digs into ones soul and scratches out every bit of ease, bliss and self expression because you are forced to listen, you cannot talk back and if it's often enough you begin to truly believe everything that person is saying. The irony about that whole thing is that they blame the child for raising their blood pressure, for making them talk too much, for giving them stress but in fact we just want them to shut the fuck up. And yea....I mean that.

I've learned that my mother will yell for small things and big things alike and instead of staying on the topic of the original offense it will turn into everything I've ever done wrong, did wrong, will do wrong and I had to hear all about it. Again, what was the benefit of that? It didn't make me want to stop what I was doing. It wasn't helpful because I was seldom ever asked what I was feeling, going through or dealing with and once the yelling was over I felt far worse that I did prior to her opening her mouth. This kind of interaction was present throughout most of my teenage years. The thought of doing something or not doing something made me cringe because it seemed as though anything that I did was a reason for her not to just yell but berate me. Unlike most of my high school peers I never ever drank or smoked in high school. I told my mother this numerous times but for some reason she insisted on accusing me of smoking marijuana on a consistent basis and making me know what she thought every second she got.

This interaction created a tough armor around my spirit and heart. Coupled with excessive yelling came hitting as well. I just managed to get by by excessive tear filled nights, dozens of tears cried through black ink on blue lines in black and white marble notebooks and a bright smile to mask the intense amount of pain I felt all the time. Although I had tons of friends I was lonely. Alone because I felt that perhaps I deserved all the things she would say. Alone because no one would understand or care to understand. So I chose bright smiles, to mask crying myself to sleep nightly, tons of friends to mask my absolute depth of loneliness and poetry to save me from suicide.

I promise you I was no saint. I promise you that I did stuff wrong. I promise you there are times I could have been better but I promise you that I didn't deserve to feel like I didn't matter. I didn't deserve to be punished repeatedly because that's all my mother knew. No it just didn't work. So why say all of this? I heard my cousin say that when he leaves his mother's house she will never see him again. I wanted to cry because I knew why. I knew that he was dealing with wanting to go as far away ad possible from a place that has brought you so much pain. It didn't matter if he was going to have money, food or shelter but the thought of being somewhere, anywhere but here made him happy. I did that. I left a rent free home, with free food, free cable, free everything except the freedom to be me. Except the freedom to be me without being ridiculed, yelled at, berated, accused, hit and scrutinized. None of that other free shit was worth it. I left.

When I left I was never going to return. Never. I was willing to never see my mother again because she just didn't make me feel good. Eventually, with time my anger subsided. I became less jaded, less resentful and I was okay. I had become okay because I took a long, long, long, long time to find me. After being hurt and hurting for so long I needed to find out what felt good to me. I needed to find out how I could create a me that would be strong, resilient and happy. With a combination of teaching, mentoring and doing the Landmark Forum I found me and I was able to just be happy with me and get that no matter who has something to say about me, I can only be me. Just me.

Although I have found myself I still have some resentment about my mother's way of punishment. It bothers me because that's how she is but she can't see and refuses to see how her way almost drove me to suicide. She killed my spirit so deeply that I used to pray to die. I used to wish I would be killed because I would have rather been dead than to deal with the way she would make me feel. The difference now is that I am alive. I am well and there's nothing that she can say that can destroy me like she used to. I love my mother. I'm sure she didn't know what she was doing. She was doing what she knows and what she sees as effective punishment. She's doing what was done to her. However that cycle ends with me. Some of you may agree and others won't. In the end this is my story of how I survived a Caribbean punishment and how poetry saved my life.

DISCLAIMER: Now I do not want to portray this like she was a bad mother. I had everything I needed as far as the necessities went. I get that this was her way of showing love and concern, but her way FAILED!She did her best. She didn't have the deepest pockets, she worked hard, she raised me alone, she sacrificed and worked very hard for me. She went all out as far as providing me with the essentials like I said, but the tough love, and lack of emotions really did not land well with me. My mom is a great woman, she really is...her methods, not so much.

Comfort in Chubby

Writing from a place of coaching is easy for me, because in order to coach I have to be real with myself. I have to deal with my own issues around life issues in order to be an effective coach. This topic is one of those issues that has been a part of my life for a while and I now feel comfortable talking about it.

I have many friends who have been battling chubbiness. Their weight goes up and down, but in general up and they hate it. I have my own issues with my weight, I say I have a desire to lose it, I watch my weight for a moment, then I stop. I start a fun kickboxing class, then stop and finally I had to look into myself to see why I keep sabotaging my weight loss. Why do I say I want to lose weight but refuse to take actions consistent with that? Well, the answer may surprise you, I find major comfort in being chubby. Comfort? How could I be comfortable? The truth is that the attention that comes along with being slim freaks me out. Yes!!! I have a fear and a paranoia about be physically harmed, and my logic is that no one is going to mess with a chubby girl but skinny girls get kidnapped and harmed all the time. Crazy? Maybe, but a real fear of mine.

Now that I am aware of what the sabotage is about, I have taken several steps to manage my weight. I certainly eat smaller portions, I take short walks with my daughter daily and I don't eat just because.  Doing that alone has allowed me to lose eighteen pounds since the birth of my baby a little less than a month ago. However, the biggest difference is that I have actually shared this with my husband. It is important for me to share things, because then I can hear myself say them and get real about what I need to do. The bigger issue is indeed the crazy paranoia. How to deal with the paranoia? Talk it out, and always remember that it is not real, there is no room for physical harm and kidnapping in my world, and it is NOT  a reason to not lose weight. It just isn't.

There are a couple things occurring here. Sabotaging one's weight loss, an intense and paralyzing paranoia but combating both things with communication. Many of you who have wanted to lose weight have a similar story about sabotage. Diets that fail, workouts that fail, plans that fail and if you lost any weight at all, you gained it all back and some because you think that because you've failed anyway, it won't matter. When you give up on your plan to lose weight, you give up on your health and on yourself. You have to first be clear for whom are you losing this weight? If you know that the weight loss is not for you, do not do it. If the weight loss is for you, don't focus so much on the long term goal, but really take it day by day. Literally, day by day give yourself a pep talk, check in with yourself, how are you feeling? How is your day going to go? Remind yourself that today is a new day, a new you and you will succeed at your goals because you declared it. Once you check in with you, then you need to check it with someone you trust to get you through your day. Someone who will support you when you begin to slip and slide down the slippery slope that we call quitting. Have them remind you why you are doing this and gently ask you some questions that will get you present to your goals. Once you manage to do this daily, maintain a balanced diet, exercise to your comfort and the daily pep talks with yourself and your partner, you will have recognizable results in no time.

My paranoia stems from too much Law &Order SVU...truly. I love the show, and I cannot help but watch the marathons on TV, but it has definitely increased my fear of being assaulted. What am I going to do about it? Take myself right back to a kickboxing class, so I can be a walking weapon. I am not committed to fear, nor hiding so I will take my life in my hands and properly prepare myself for anything that comes my way. However, due to the fact that I am committed to love, and loving everyone all the time I am pretty sure no harm will come my way in any event.

How to lose weight the Pure Peace way:

1. Why do you want to lose weight? (List all your reasons why)
2. What obstacles are in your way around weight loss? (List all reasons why)
3. Realize that your obstacles are just obstacles and they can cease to exist the moment you say ENOUGH
4. Write a mantra that you will recite daily to remind yourself why you are losing weight
5. Recruit two to three people who will be your cheerleaders. The role of these people is to support you with   your goal and to motivate you when you do not want to continue.

Have fun...enjoy your process, enjoy your steps. If you want more details about this please do not hesitate to reach out.

Tahira West-Sylvan
PurePeaceLc@Gmail.com
201-500-7146
www.purepeacewithlove.com









             

Coping with Loss

This week's blog is dedicated to my grandfather Vernon Doc Sylvester Sr. who passed away on Nov 9th 2010. He an outstanding man, father, grandfather, husband, uncle and person all around. He will be laid to rest today. He will be missed.

I now feel like a certified officiando on loss because I have encountered more than I would like to admit. My grand mother died when I was eight years old, and although I was sad, I didn't feel the full extent of the impact. So when I was twenty years old and two friends of mine died three weeks apart I thought my heart and head was going to explode. I don't think I was coping with their loss, I was just in the midst of sadness and memories and just riddled with a numbing pain that just had me want to shut down. I was so angry because these two young men were so awesome, how could GOD take them? How? It was not fair. Two years later as I was getting over the loss of my friends, my cousin Vaughn was killed in a tragic car crash. I will not go into details but he had a three year old daughter at the time and his wife was pregnant. Talk about unfair. My cousins on my dad's side were my first friends and basically siblings....when Vaughn died we all mourned as a collective. We had lost a sibling, we had lost a piece of our tight link and that impact has left a big hole in my heart, only to be filled with memories of an earlier time.

This time I was going to deal with my cousin's loss and deal with it powerfully. I am a poet and I cry through words very often. I cry through my words and I realize that I am okay once I purge those words out. I have written several poem for Vaughn and i speak to him openly often, it helps me deal with the fact that he is not here but he can hear me wherever he is. Now, as my grandfather has left this earth I have yet to breakdown...and I am not sure if I am going to breakdown either. I have dealt with his death through poetry and also talking to him out loud. I am coping with his death by talking about him with my family, speaking about him to my daughter when I am feeding her and recreating him for my husband who did not have an opportunity to meet him. His body is gone, that is a fact. His smell, smile, moment of sleeping and waking and sickness is gone, but his memory and legacy lives.

How would I coach a client on loss? I would say be with your emotions. We have some people who are naturally the strong one and they feel as though they have to be the strong one by controlling their emotions. They are the ones who want to cry but do not let it get more than a lump in their throat,even when they are alone. We have our dramatic criers who cry enough for the strong one and everyone else. They cry, and cry and cry and they don't care how loud of for how long....that's what you call just being with it. The dramatic crier doesn't care about looking good or holding it together, they are crying out of pain and that pain has them let it all out. I would suggest not fighting your emotions or fighting your pain and just being in the presence of it. Be with your sadness, talk it out, get with people who share the same loss and purge it out. You should write down your feelings, talk about them, make a scrap book, put your loss into something positive that will allow you to have a beautiful memory of that person.

In the end, your loss is yours. You can lose the same person as your sisters, cousins, whomever but at the end of the day, that loss and how you cope with it is unique to you. Do not let anyone dictate how you should feel, how you should be or tell you that you're not doing it right. There is no right way. However, there is a healthy way to be with loss. If you find yourself hindered, losing touch with what's real and being a detriment to yourself by not taking care of you, then you are not coping, but hiding from coping. If you find yourself grieving excessively and none of your goals are being accomplished, then you are hiding.If your world is gloom and grief and in every conversation you have you MUST discuss this loss, then you are also not coping. If you attribute every thing in your current life with the loss of this person, then you are NOT coping.

The biggest thing to remember here is that we still have life. There is a life that we are put here to live and I am pretty sure that our loved ones will want us to keep living. We do not cease to live because our loved ones have died, but we breathe life into their memories and we allow ourselves to feel their presence, be with their legacy and honor them by doing our best. We honor them by being blissful, happy, taking charge of life and being productive. You should deal with loss in a group if you can, and just say all that needs to be said, however you MUST continue to live. You must continue to have life and do all that you would have done as though they were still here. You should never use the dead as an excuse to check out of life and a reason for you to be a zombie...it does not sufficiently honor their memory. If you find yourself struggling more than you can handle, then you reach out. You find a grief group, you go to therapy, do what you need to do to be better and to get better because being riddled with gloom and grief is not healthy. It just isn't.

I write this blog with my family in mind. We will get through this and we will come out stronger. We are all connected through love and there is nothing greater than that.


In Memory of my grandfather...DANCE WITH MY FATHER