Forbidden Fruit

Why is the forbidden fruit so incredibly enticing all the time? It is the one thing that EVERYONE knows is bad for them, yet they cannot resist it. I myself am guilty of that in two specific areas; food and men. I love food, all kinds of food, and it just happens that the more unhealthy is, the more I would flock to it. This clearly has been my detriment because I am severely overweight and I did not have the zeal to work off my food addictions, so the weight kept on coming. I have the same mentality about men. There are men who I have known that were not good for me, yet still I flocked to them like bees to flowers. What on earth was wrong with me?

I know that if anyone tells me I can't that makes me defy them and show them that I can. Even if it was to my detriment, I was not going to be proven wrong under any circumstances. Therefore, I did what I thought was building my character, but instead I was only feeding my ego and neglecting my divinity. I can see that as clear as day now, and I can say confidently that I have no regrets. I realize that I had to live these lessons in order to overstand and truly appreciate what it is like to think with clarity and the consciousness that my body is a temple. My mind is a temple. My spirituality is a temple and I need to take care of myself and treat myself royally because I am a loved child of God. There is nothing that I have to prove to anyone. My vision is treat myself well and to keep using my thoughts to give rise to actions that correlate with my ascension into divinity and to honor myself and honor God.

I now would look at soda or fried foods, and I  can think that it may smell good or look good but it is NOT good for me. It doesn't add anything to my body that will promote a clear mind. It doesn't add any value that would keep my body active or keep my metabolism going. Unhealthy food is such a detriment to me now, that I look back and wonder how did I get so far removed from my true self. Why did I pick up these unhealthy eating habits? The truth is that I never knew any other way. I ate what was there without truly giving thought to what it may be doing to my body. I just ate. Now, that I am aware and I do have the consciousness to choose what goes into my temple, I honestly don't even crave those healthy things anymore. My body rejects the mere thought of it.

The same goes for toxic men. I was just choosing wrong guy after wrong guy because I was attracting takers. I thought that if I gave of myself, time, energy and love to these men, perhaps one day they would see my worth and in turn decide to reciprocate the same kinds of feelings. I thought that perhaps they would give me the energy and time and love that I had been putting in. However, that never happened. They never saw. They took all that I had to offer, without returning anything into my emotional bank and I was BROKE. I mean I poured all of my energy into these men who were not deserving and I was broke, drained, dried up, spent and just finished. I would look back on these relationships and wonder what happened? How did I allow myself to not be loved and treated the way that I wanted to? The answer was in front of me all along. I was giving these men what I should have been giving to myself. I should have been pouring all that time, love and energy into building myself up and not giving it to them. They took my energy and used their own to pour it into themselves and into other women. I was so blinded by the PROSPECT of love that I never let the prospect grow into ACTUAL love. I left them at bay and as a result I got to be closed off, blocked off and not really open up at all. I invested so much in them that I stopped them from really getting a glimpse at me. I never gave them an opportunity to cater to me or to really wow me or sweep me off of my feet because I chose to do all the work. It was safer for me that way. I am a keeper and holder of EVERYONE'S secrets and that is what I am good at, but NO ONE knows any of my secrets, not really and that has kept me really safe but lonely this entire time. I keep people away, because if I opened up, then what would I have to give if it looks as though I am broken too? I am supposed to have it together and be the healer. Healers have no pain, we are healed, we were born this way, no issues at all... Yea, right!

Clearly, I know that all healers have a past, and yes they did heal but it did not happen overnight. What I am learning is to let go of my obsession of getting it right, looking good and being a perfectionist because that is so inauthentic. The person that is here today has been through a series of things, hurts, pain, tribulations, bottom of the barrel and everything else any person has been through. I too have those moments that would make someone gasp if I told them the entire story of some of my lessons. However, those lessons are what makes me so incredibly powerful now. Those lessons are what makes me a healer, and a compassionate listener, judgement free. Who I am now is a womyn that is still a work in progress but I understand now that my entire life is for a purpose. I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is to heal. I am here to heal all those who want and need it. I can do that by sharing my story and helping others to get to the other side of pain.

Contact me for a free consultation.
Visit me on the web at www.purepeacelifecoaching.com

I look forward to hearing from you.

Tahira

Punishment by Yelling and Beating = Resentment and Thoughts of Suicide

I am compelled to write about something that has moved me deeply over the past 24 hours. It's something I witnessed and something I have experienced. I'm not sure what exactly had me be moved to tears but what I do know is that the intense and unmistakable feeling of hurt and resentment has bubbled to the surface.

I find it humiliating and disrespectful to yell at your child for more than one minute. Actually I don't think yelling at your child is reasonable at all. I can understand if it's done out of fear like "Don't cross the street." or "Don't touch that" or " Be careful" because those exclamations are expressed out of sheer terror. Those things are said when you believe your child is in danger and you want to demand their immediate attention. Those warnings are usually followed up with breathless kisses and sighs and perhaps sobs just thanking God that your child is okay. I'm sure a talk with your child about why you acted that way follows and soon everything is all good again. Happy ending.

Now the kind of yelling I am talking about is that put down, extra loud, in front of people, hurt your feelings and don't care, obnoxious, never ending, telling everybody kind of yelling that most Caribbean mothers choose to engage in, at least my mother anyway. I have looked for reasoning in this behavior to find the benefits of it and I've come up with none. That type of yelling digs into ones soul and scratches out every bit of ease, bliss and self expression because you are forced to listen, you cannot talk back and if it's often enough you begin to truly believe everything that person is saying. The irony about that whole thing is that they blame the child for raising their blood pressure, for making them talk too much, for giving them stress but in fact we just want them to shut the fuck up. And yea....I mean that.

I've learned that my mother will yell for small things and big things alike and instead of staying on the topic of the original offense it will turn into everything I've ever done wrong, did wrong, will do wrong and I had to hear all about it. Again, what was the benefit of that? It didn't make me want to stop what I was doing. It wasn't helpful because I was seldom ever asked what I was feeling, going through or dealing with and once the yelling was over I felt far worse that I did prior to her opening her mouth. This kind of interaction was present throughout most of my teenage years. The thought of doing something or not doing something made me cringe because it seemed as though anything that I did was a reason for her not to just yell but berate me. Unlike most of my high school peers I never ever drank or smoked in high school. I told my mother this numerous times but for some reason she insisted on accusing me of smoking marijuana on a consistent basis and making me know what she thought every second she got.

This interaction created a tough armor around my spirit and heart. Coupled with excessive yelling came hitting as well. I just managed to get by by excessive tear filled nights, dozens of tears cried through black ink on blue lines in black and white marble notebooks and a bright smile to mask the intense amount of pain I felt all the time. Although I had tons of friends I was lonely. Alone because I felt that perhaps I deserved all the things she would say. Alone because no one would understand or care to understand. So I chose bright smiles, to mask crying myself to sleep nightly, tons of friends to mask my absolute depth of loneliness and poetry to save me from suicide.

I promise you I was no saint. I promise you that I did stuff wrong. I promise you there are times I could have been better but I promise you that I didn't deserve to feel like I didn't matter. I didn't deserve to be punished repeatedly because that's all my mother knew. No it just didn't work. So why say all of this? I heard my cousin say that when he leaves his mother's house she will never see him again. I wanted to cry because I knew why. I knew that he was dealing with wanting to go as far away ad possible from a place that has brought you so much pain. It didn't matter if he was going to have money, food or shelter but the thought of being somewhere, anywhere but here made him happy. I did that. I left a rent free home, with free food, free cable, free everything except the freedom to be me. Except the freedom to be me without being ridiculed, yelled at, berated, accused, hit and scrutinized. None of that other free shit was worth it. I left.

When I left I was never going to return. Never. I was willing to never see my mother again because she just didn't make me feel good. Eventually, with time my anger subsided. I became less jaded, less resentful and I was okay. I had become okay because I took a long, long, long, long time to find me. After being hurt and hurting for so long I needed to find out what felt good to me. I needed to find out how I could create a me that would be strong, resilient and happy. With a combination of teaching, mentoring and doing the Landmark Forum I found me and I was able to just be happy with me and get that no matter who has something to say about me, I can only be me. Just me.

Although I have found myself I still have some resentment about my mother's way of punishment. It bothers me because that's how she is but she can't see and refuses to see how her way almost drove me to suicide. She killed my spirit so deeply that I used to pray to die. I used to wish I would be killed because I would have rather been dead than to deal with the way she would make me feel. The difference now is that I am alive. I am well and there's nothing that she can say that can destroy me like she used to. I love my mother. I'm sure she didn't know what she was doing. She was doing what she knows and what she sees as effective punishment. She's doing what was done to her. However that cycle ends with me. Some of you may agree and others won't. In the end this is my story of how I survived a Caribbean punishment and how poetry saved my life.

DISCLAIMER: Now I do not want to portray this like she was a bad mother. I had everything I needed as far as the necessities went. I get that this was her way of showing love and concern, but her way FAILED!She did her best. She didn't have the deepest pockets, she worked hard, she raised me alone, she sacrificed and worked very hard for me. She went all out as far as providing me with the essentials like I said, but the tough love, and lack of emotions really did not land well with me. My mom is a great woman, she really is...her methods, not so much.

Coping with Loss

This week's blog is dedicated to my grandfather Vernon Doc Sylvester Sr. who passed away on Nov 9th 2010. He an outstanding man, father, grandfather, husband, uncle and person all around. He will be laid to rest today. He will be missed.

I now feel like a certified officiando on loss because I have encountered more than I would like to admit. My grand mother died when I was eight years old, and although I was sad, I didn't feel the full extent of the impact. So when I was twenty years old and two friends of mine died three weeks apart I thought my heart and head was going to explode. I don't think I was coping with their loss, I was just in the midst of sadness and memories and just riddled with a numbing pain that just had me want to shut down. I was so angry because these two young men were so awesome, how could GOD take them? How? It was not fair. Two years later as I was getting over the loss of my friends, my cousin Vaughn was killed in a tragic car crash. I will not go into details but he had a three year old daughter at the time and his wife was pregnant. Talk about unfair. My cousins on my dad's side were my first friends and basically siblings....when Vaughn died we all mourned as a collective. We had lost a sibling, we had lost a piece of our tight link and that impact has left a big hole in my heart, only to be filled with memories of an earlier time.

This time I was going to deal with my cousin's loss and deal with it powerfully. I am a poet and I cry through words very often. I cry through my words and I realize that I am okay once I purge those words out. I have written several poem for Vaughn and i speak to him openly often, it helps me deal with the fact that he is not here but he can hear me wherever he is. Now, as my grandfather has left this earth I have yet to breakdown...and I am not sure if I am going to breakdown either. I have dealt with his death through poetry and also talking to him out loud. I am coping with his death by talking about him with my family, speaking about him to my daughter when I am feeding her and recreating him for my husband who did not have an opportunity to meet him. His body is gone, that is a fact. His smell, smile, moment of sleeping and waking and sickness is gone, but his memory and legacy lives.

How would I coach a client on loss? I would say be with your emotions. We have some people who are naturally the strong one and they feel as though they have to be the strong one by controlling their emotions. They are the ones who want to cry but do not let it get more than a lump in their throat,even when they are alone. We have our dramatic criers who cry enough for the strong one and everyone else. They cry, and cry and cry and they don't care how loud of for how long....that's what you call just being with it. The dramatic crier doesn't care about looking good or holding it together, they are crying out of pain and that pain has them let it all out. I would suggest not fighting your emotions or fighting your pain and just being in the presence of it. Be with your sadness, talk it out, get with people who share the same loss and purge it out. You should write down your feelings, talk about them, make a scrap book, put your loss into something positive that will allow you to have a beautiful memory of that person.

In the end, your loss is yours. You can lose the same person as your sisters, cousins, whomever but at the end of the day, that loss and how you cope with it is unique to you. Do not let anyone dictate how you should feel, how you should be or tell you that you're not doing it right. There is no right way. However, there is a healthy way to be with loss. If you find yourself hindered, losing touch with what's real and being a detriment to yourself by not taking care of you, then you are not coping, but hiding from coping. If you find yourself grieving excessively and none of your goals are being accomplished, then you are hiding.If your world is gloom and grief and in every conversation you have you MUST discuss this loss, then you are also not coping. If you attribute every thing in your current life with the loss of this person, then you are NOT coping.

The biggest thing to remember here is that we still have life. There is a life that we are put here to live and I am pretty sure that our loved ones will want us to keep living. We do not cease to live because our loved ones have died, but we breathe life into their memories and we allow ourselves to feel their presence, be with their legacy and honor them by doing our best. We honor them by being blissful, happy, taking charge of life and being productive. You should deal with loss in a group if you can, and just say all that needs to be said, however you MUST continue to live. You must continue to have life and do all that you would have done as though they were still here. You should never use the dead as an excuse to check out of life and a reason for you to be a zombie...it does not sufficiently honor their memory. If you find yourself struggling more than you can handle, then you reach out. You find a grief group, you go to therapy, do what you need to do to be better and to get better because being riddled with gloom and grief is not healthy. It just isn't.

I write this blog with my family in mind. We will get through this and we will come out stronger. We are all connected through love and there is nothing greater than that.


In Memory of my grandfather...DANCE WITH MY FATHER

Heal Thyself

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds..."

 The above quote is from Mr. Robert Nesta Marley, many of us have repeated those lyrics hundreds of times over but have we really taken to heart the true meaning? This week's blog is about the mental slavery many of us having been victims of abuse at one time or another. It is about the mental blockage that we had when it came to defending ourselves from our abusers and simply saying ENOUGH. I will explore what has us stay shackled and then what was the driving force that had us leap to freedom.

In the past week I have spoken to five different people from varying economic, gender, social, and racial backgrounds and what I discovered is that abuse does not just have one face. Abuse can happen to anyone despite your circumstances. Many of these individuals said that they felt so stupid for allowing themselves to stay in an abusive situation. When I asked if a friend or family member were in a similar situation, how they'd react, they all said they would strongly advise them to get out and they themselves would want to retaliate on the abuser, yet still none of them spoke up for themselves while their abuse was occurring. The abuse that they described varied from physical, to verbal, to emotional and even psychological, it was damning to their individual psyches and they had just lost their way to a more dominant force. My question was, why? Why did you stay?

The most reoccurring answer was LOVE or what they thought was love, not realizing that love had long gone and turned into FEAR. They stayed because it wasn't always bad. They stayed because at some point, almost always in the beginning the love was the sweetest. The person that they thought they knew was Mr. Right or Ms. Right and it was so good and so right that there was nothing that this person could do that would have them have one bad thought about them...even if they were forewarned. So, what went wrong? Based on my conversations it would always start subtly, being called a name other than your own that you felt uncomfortable with, or being spoken to with a harshness that was uncalled for, or maybe a slight slap on the face or a lie that didn't need to be told. They all said that they noticed but they chalked it up to the fact that everyone gets mad periodically and truthfully they probably did something to make their partners mad anyway, so it was cool, they understood. One time turned into thirty times and thirty times turned into years of abuse that each of these individuals said that it was probably their fault because they were either too clumsy, too stupid, not quick enough, not quiet enough, not strong enough, just NOT ENOUGH. They really adopted the story I am not enough and although this situation is bad, its not too bad, it could be worse and he/she isn't always mean, so its cool. Furthermore the biggest lie they'd tell themselves is that they would never find anyone who would be with them again, so it's better to be with an abuser than to be alone. This probably doesn't sound crazy to any of you reading this, because either you or someone you know has walked down this road.

Okay, so what's next? What starts to happen is that the light you once had is now barely flickering. The people closest to you noticed a while ago but because you put up a serious front or you became extremely defensive they just left the situation alone. However, now they see that something is up and they no longer just ask what is wrong they DEMAND to know and they will not leave you alone until you answer. Due to your heightened state of trauma, you still put up a front, but it is easily pulled down when your loved one asks "Does h/she hit you?" "How has your relationship been?" "You look off." Usually this is the point where the tears begin to fall and the words just start pouring out of your mouth about your personal hell and the experience is cathartic for you because you have been silent up until now. This doesn't mean that you are home free. You still feel bad because the support you are getting is enormous and you knew it would be like this but you thought they'd judge you and leave you alone. If you've always had a strong base, you know they would never leave you alone, and that is the reality for all of the people I spoke with.

The follow up to this is that they did finally get enough strength to and courage to face their abuser. More often than not the abusers would be apologetic and a couple of the people fell into the same cycle. However in the end the biggest accomplishment was leaving because they knew the relationship was toxic and there was nothing left for them there. With the help of family and friends, they escaped. Good for them, right? Yes, but the battle is never won unless the survivors have thrown away their old way of relating to themselves as weak, abused and unlovable and really get reacquainted with themselves as whole, complete and powerful individuals. Unfortunately because many people have ran away from doing work on themselves they repeat the cycle of abuse time and again. Others find comfort in flings that last for a short time with no attachment, others attach themselves to  every nice guy/girl who comes along then ultimately finds flaws in them and the list can go on with destructive behavior forever. No one can heal you, unless you heal you!

Take the time while you are single to work on you. Meditate and envision the life you want for yourself. Take long walks alone and talk to yourself if you have to and make peace with yourself. Journal or write poetry and dedicate them to yourself so you can bring that self love back into your life. Take a yoga class and concentrate on your body and your breathing. Eat food that will bring life and healthiness to your body and just find your center and your balance, for you, so that you can really say that you know yourself and you know what you want, Get comfortable with being alone, and being happy with the being that you are, create friendships that are simply just friendships and get to know peoples' stories and also share your own. Heal thyself by knowing thyself. You are the author, publisher and editor of your life. Sure your abuser had to no right to treat you that way, but you allowed it. No one has a right to disrespect you, but you can only feel disrespected if you allow it. Do you get my drift? You are in charge of your life and your body. Are you beautiful, strong, courageous and bold? Can you really say those things about yourself?  At the end of the day, its just you and your body, heart and soul. You get to say who you be. Only you...

HEAL THYSELF!!!