Vulnerability

To be vulnerable, is to give someone access to the things that make you cry, freak out, and make you uncomfortable. I think that to give someone this access can give you a huge amount of freedom because you would finally be able to share very openly and truthfully. However, getting to that point of absolute vulnerability requires a significant amount of self work and a worthy person. I have NOT been very vulnerable with many people in my life. I had a belief that once someone else knows what makes me breakdown they would use it against me. My fear of sharing my real self was greater than connecting 100% with someone. I realize now, that in hindsight that wasn't the best move. However, I also was not in a place where I even knew how to share myself openly. I would always be the listening ear, and the go to person for all things personal but I would never share. How could I? After all, no one would understand.

What was I so scared of? Why are people so scared to share and be open? I know that I just couldn't bear to have have my vulnerabilities being in someone elses' possession. I could not imagine sharing my secrets with someone. Instead, I would deflect and side step deep emotions and I would hide behind fake arguments, tears about one thing but they were really about  something deeper but I did not have the guts to share. I believe that many people have the same issues as me, they just don't want to put themselves out there to be hurt. That is extremely understandable and at some point everyone feels that way, no one wants their secrets to be used against them. Therefore people close up and they share partly, but not fully. As a result we have many people walking around in relationship giving 60% or 30% or even 20% of themselves and missing out on something amazing by not sharing fully.

What can be done here? What did I do? I got present to the fact that by NOT sharing myself wholly and completely that I was missing out on some BIG love. I was missing out because I was too busy protecting myself from sharing and therefore I was pushing important people away. I got very clear that in order to have the life of my dreams I would have to strip down with myself first. Ask myself, what on earth was I hiding? What was I hiding from? Who was I hiding from? Of course the answer is me. I was not being real with myself. I wasn't facing my own demons and my own nasty things that I was unwilling to deal with. I figured that if anyone found out my secrets I would be unloved and I would be discarded like garbage. Again, I did not think I would be worthy of all the love in the world if I was even a little bit broken. No one would love something broken, no one. Finally, I woke up. I thought about all the people who I love that come to me when they are broken. I love them more, broken pieces and all because that is what they deserve. People deserve to be held, listened to, acknowledged and LOVED when they are at their worst. I was and am ALWAYS willing to do that for someone. I just did not think that anyone would do it for me. That, right there is the highest degree of self loathing and lack of self love. I needed to break out of that habit immediately.

MY happiness does not occur outside of me. No one can make me happy, sad, mad or glad without my permission. I had to get very clear that I was worthy of everything that I wanted and in order to have deep, meaningful, long lasting relationships I would have to be absolutely vulnerable with those in my life. I had to be willing to put it all on the table and even risk being hurt but the reward is so much greater than ANY amount of pain. The reward would be a love so deep and profound that it would move me to tears by just the thought. So for all my clients looking for love or wondering why their relationships aren't working, I urge them to check themselves. Check yourself meaning be real and open with yourself. Get to the source of your pain, fear, anger, sadness and anything else that would make you hide from meaningful relationships. Open yourself up, and allow love to flow from you so that it can flow into you. You are so worthy of a beautiful love, and it starts first with loving yourself. That there is the key to every successful relationship.

Tahira West

PurePeaceLC@gmail.com
201-500-7146
Facebook: www.facebook.com/purepeacelifecoaching
Twitter: @PurePeaceLC

Heal Thyself

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds..."

 The above quote is from Mr. Robert Nesta Marley, many of us have repeated those lyrics hundreds of times over but have we really taken to heart the true meaning? This week's blog is about the mental slavery many of us having been victims of abuse at one time or another. It is about the mental blockage that we had when it came to defending ourselves from our abusers and simply saying ENOUGH. I will explore what has us stay shackled and then what was the driving force that had us leap to freedom.

In the past week I have spoken to five different people from varying economic, gender, social, and racial backgrounds and what I discovered is that abuse does not just have one face. Abuse can happen to anyone despite your circumstances. Many of these individuals said that they felt so stupid for allowing themselves to stay in an abusive situation. When I asked if a friend or family member were in a similar situation, how they'd react, they all said they would strongly advise them to get out and they themselves would want to retaliate on the abuser, yet still none of them spoke up for themselves while their abuse was occurring. The abuse that they described varied from physical, to verbal, to emotional and even psychological, it was damning to their individual psyches and they had just lost their way to a more dominant force. My question was, why? Why did you stay?

The most reoccurring answer was LOVE or what they thought was love, not realizing that love had long gone and turned into FEAR. They stayed because it wasn't always bad. They stayed because at some point, almost always in the beginning the love was the sweetest. The person that they thought they knew was Mr. Right or Ms. Right and it was so good and so right that there was nothing that this person could do that would have them have one bad thought about them...even if they were forewarned. So, what went wrong? Based on my conversations it would always start subtly, being called a name other than your own that you felt uncomfortable with, or being spoken to with a harshness that was uncalled for, or maybe a slight slap on the face or a lie that didn't need to be told. They all said that they noticed but they chalked it up to the fact that everyone gets mad periodically and truthfully they probably did something to make their partners mad anyway, so it was cool, they understood. One time turned into thirty times and thirty times turned into years of abuse that each of these individuals said that it was probably their fault because they were either too clumsy, too stupid, not quick enough, not quiet enough, not strong enough, just NOT ENOUGH. They really adopted the story I am not enough and although this situation is bad, its not too bad, it could be worse and he/she isn't always mean, so its cool. Furthermore the biggest lie they'd tell themselves is that they would never find anyone who would be with them again, so it's better to be with an abuser than to be alone. This probably doesn't sound crazy to any of you reading this, because either you or someone you know has walked down this road.

Okay, so what's next? What starts to happen is that the light you once had is now barely flickering. The people closest to you noticed a while ago but because you put up a serious front or you became extremely defensive they just left the situation alone. However, now they see that something is up and they no longer just ask what is wrong they DEMAND to know and they will not leave you alone until you answer. Due to your heightened state of trauma, you still put up a front, but it is easily pulled down when your loved one asks "Does h/she hit you?" "How has your relationship been?" "You look off." Usually this is the point where the tears begin to fall and the words just start pouring out of your mouth about your personal hell and the experience is cathartic for you because you have been silent up until now. This doesn't mean that you are home free. You still feel bad because the support you are getting is enormous and you knew it would be like this but you thought they'd judge you and leave you alone. If you've always had a strong base, you know they would never leave you alone, and that is the reality for all of the people I spoke with.

The follow up to this is that they did finally get enough strength to and courage to face their abuser. More often than not the abusers would be apologetic and a couple of the people fell into the same cycle. However in the end the biggest accomplishment was leaving because they knew the relationship was toxic and there was nothing left for them there. With the help of family and friends, they escaped. Good for them, right? Yes, but the battle is never won unless the survivors have thrown away their old way of relating to themselves as weak, abused and unlovable and really get reacquainted with themselves as whole, complete and powerful individuals. Unfortunately because many people have ran away from doing work on themselves they repeat the cycle of abuse time and again. Others find comfort in flings that last for a short time with no attachment, others attach themselves to  every nice guy/girl who comes along then ultimately finds flaws in them and the list can go on with destructive behavior forever. No one can heal you, unless you heal you!

Take the time while you are single to work on you. Meditate and envision the life you want for yourself. Take long walks alone and talk to yourself if you have to and make peace with yourself. Journal or write poetry and dedicate them to yourself so you can bring that self love back into your life. Take a yoga class and concentrate on your body and your breathing. Eat food that will bring life and healthiness to your body and just find your center and your balance, for you, so that you can really say that you know yourself and you know what you want, Get comfortable with being alone, and being happy with the being that you are, create friendships that are simply just friendships and get to know peoples' stories and also share your own. Heal thyself by knowing thyself. You are the author, publisher and editor of your life. Sure your abuser had to no right to treat you that way, but you allowed it. No one has a right to disrespect you, but you can only feel disrespected if you allow it. Do you get my drift? You are in charge of your life and your body. Are you beautiful, strong, courageous and bold? Can you really say those things about yourself?  At the end of the day, its just you and your body, heart and soul. You get to say who you be. Only you...

HEAL THYSELF!!!