Why is the forbidden fruit so incredibly enticing all the time? It is the one thing that EVERYONE knows is bad for them, yet they cannot resist it. I myself am guilty of that in two specific areas; food and men. I love food, all kinds of food, and it just happens that the more unhealthy is, the more I would flock to it. This clearly has been my detriment because I am severely overweight and I did not have the zeal to work off my food addictions, so the weight kept on coming. I have the same mentality about men. There are men who I have known that were not good for me, yet still I flocked to them like bees to flowers. What on earth was wrong with me?
I know that if anyone tells me I can't that makes me defy them and show them that I can. Even if it was to my detriment, I was not going to be proven wrong under any circumstances. Therefore, I did what I thought was building my character, but instead I was only feeding my ego and neglecting my divinity. I can see that as clear as day now, and I can say confidently that I have no regrets. I realize that I had to live these lessons in order to overstand and truly appreciate what it is like to think with clarity and the consciousness that my body is a temple. My mind is a temple. My spirituality is a temple and I need to take care of myself and treat myself royally because I am a loved child of God. There is nothing that I have to prove to anyone. My vision is treat myself well and to keep using my thoughts to give rise to actions that correlate with my ascension into divinity and to honor myself and honor God.
I now would look at soda or fried foods, and I can think that it may smell good or look good but it is NOT good for me. It doesn't add anything to my body that will promote a clear mind. It doesn't add any value that would keep my body active or keep my metabolism going. Unhealthy food is such a detriment to me now, that I look back and wonder how did I get so far removed from my true self. Why did I pick up these unhealthy eating habits? The truth is that I never knew any other way. I ate what was there without truly giving thought to what it may be doing to my body. I just ate. Now, that I am aware and I do have the consciousness to choose what goes into my temple, I honestly don't even crave those healthy things anymore. My body rejects the mere thought of it.
The same goes for toxic men. I was just choosing wrong guy after wrong guy because I was attracting takers. I thought that if I gave of myself, time, energy and love to these men, perhaps one day they would see my worth and in turn decide to reciprocate the same kinds of feelings. I thought that perhaps they would give me the energy and time and love that I had been putting in. However, that never happened. They never saw. They took all that I had to offer, without returning anything into my emotional bank and I was BROKE. I mean I poured all of my energy into these men who were not deserving and I was broke, drained, dried up, spent and just finished. I would look back on these relationships and wonder what happened? How did I allow myself to not be loved and treated the way that I wanted to? The answer was in front of me all along. I was giving these men what I should have been giving to myself. I should have been pouring all that time, love and energy into building myself up and not giving it to them. They took my energy and used their own to pour it into themselves and into other women. I was so blinded by the PROSPECT of love that I never let the prospect grow into ACTUAL love. I left them at bay and as a result I got to be closed off, blocked off and not really open up at all. I invested so much in them that I stopped them from really getting a glimpse at me. I never gave them an opportunity to cater to me or to really wow me or sweep me off of my feet because I chose to do all the work. It was safer for me that way. I am a keeper and holder of EVERYONE'S secrets and that is what I am good at, but NO ONE knows any of my secrets, not really and that has kept me really safe but lonely this entire time. I keep people away, because if I opened up, then what would I have to give if it looks as though I am broken too? I am supposed to have it together and be the healer. Healers have no pain, we are healed, we were born this way, no issues at all... Yea, right!
Clearly, I know that all healers have a past, and yes they did heal but it did not happen overnight. What I am learning is to let go of my obsession of getting it right, looking good and being a perfectionist because that is so inauthentic. The person that is here today has been through a series of things, hurts, pain, tribulations, bottom of the barrel and everything else any person has been through. I too have those moments that would make someone gasp if I told them the entire story of some of my lessons. However, those lessons are what makes me so incredibly powerful now. Those lessons are what makes me a healer, and a compassionate listener, judgement free. Who I am now is a womyn that is still a work in progress but I understand now that my entire life is for a purpose. I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is to heal. I am here to heal all those who want and need it. I can do that by sharing my story and helping others to get to the other side of pain.
Contact me for a free consultation.
Visit me on the web at www.purepeacelifecoaching.com
I look forward to hearing from you.
Tahira
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Valentine's Day is EVERYDAY : )
I have been seeing the most melancholy status updates on Facebook and Twitter about VDAY. Come on people, come on, it is just a day!!! Not having a Valentine will NOT kill you. There are many people with Valentine sweethearts who are absolutely miserable. Okay, so what do we do here for all the broken hearts? Let's create : )
First, the love that you seek is within YOU. You must look inside of your beautiful self and see a being who is absolutely worthy of love. You do this by feeding yourself daily affirmations.
I am perfect.
I am whole.
I am complete.
I am worthy.
I am deserving.
You really want to get very clear that these things are true about you DESPITE what your past says. Your past could have damaged you, perhaps even traumatized many of you but your past is just that, the past. Here we are, in the present, which is the best gift of all. You have the opportunity to create a love that is abundant, long lasting, beautiful and that will survive past one flimsy Valentine day. Get present to the idea that VDAY is a commercial holiday. It means only what you make it mean. What good is VDAY without the other 365 days (Leap year) being filled with absolute love and happiness?
We attract those on the same wavelength as us. So for all of you people who keep saying that you are finding these terrible dates, I am going to encourage you to look within yourself and see what it is about YOU that keeps attracting the same people over and over again. You must raise your vibration and change your thought process in order to attract who you truly want. However, in addition to attracting the right man /woman you must be clear that your life is ready to receive them. Is your space clear and clutter free? Are you in alignment with your higher self? Have you been praying and mediating? Are you taking care of your temple which includes you mind, body and spirit? Are you diligently working on your elevation? All of these things matter tremendously but NOTHING is more important that self work. Self work is what will make EVERYTHING in your life work or not work.
Consider that you can easily attract a valentine, sure. However, what are you committed to? Short term satisfaction or long term love. Long term love takes work, however if done correctly long term love can produce the most euphoric, delicious, wonderful love that can feel like St. Valentine's Day every single day. Check your thoughts. Observe your behavior. What more self work could you be doing? Do NOT obsess over finding love, it will find you at the appropriate time. In the mean time, work on yourself and constantly find ways to elevate yourself. Life is good and it's so much sweeter with love. There is no greater love than self love, once you have that, you can be in the most fulfilling relationship of your life.
Interested in a free consult?
Visit my website: www.purepeacelifecoaching.com
First, the love that you seek is within YOU. You must look inside of your beautiful self and see a being who is absolutely worthy of love. You do this by feeding yourself daily affirmations.
I am perfect.
I am whole.
I am complete.
I am worthy.
I am deserving.
You really want to get very clear that these things are true about you DESPITE what your past says. Your past could have damaged you, perhaps even traumatized many of you but your past is just that, the past. Here we are, in the present, which is the best gift of all. You have the opportunity to create a love that is abundant, long lasting, beautiful and that will survive past one flimsy Valentine day. Get present to the idea that VDAY is a commercial holiday. It means only what you make it mean. What good is VDAY without the other 365 days (Leap year) being filled with absolute love and happiness?
We attract those on the same wavelength as us. So for all of you people who keep saying that you are finding these terrible dates, I am going to encourage you to look within yourself and see what it is about YOU that keeps attracting the same people over and over again. You must raise your vibration and change your thought process in order to attract who you truly want. However, in addition to attracting the right man /woman you must be clear that your life is ready to receive them. Is your space clear and clutter free? Are you in alignment with your higher self? Have you been praying and mediating? Are you taking care of your temple which includes you mind, body and spirit? Are you diligently working on your elevation? All of these things matter tremendously but NOTHING is more important that self work. Self work is what will make EVERYTHING in your life work or not work.
Consider that you can easily attract a valentine, sure. However, what are you committed to? Short term satisfaction or long term love. Long term love takes work, however if done correctly long term love can produce the most euphoric, delicious, wonderful love that can feel like St. Valentine's Day every single day. Check your thoughts. Observe your behavior. What more self work could you be doing? Do NOT obsess over finding love, it will find you at the appropriate time. In the mean time, work on yourself and constantly find ways to elevate yourself. Life is good and it's so much sweeter with love. There is no greater love than self love, once you have that, you can be in the most fulfilling relationship of your life.
Interested in a free consult?
Visit my website: www.purepeacelifecoaching.com
CREATION
To create is to give birth to something from nothing. We as human beings have absolute control and free will over what we create from our minds. Our thoughts is the place where creation is born and the rest of body follows suit. Thoughts give rise to actions. In other words, whatever we think will show up in the way that we behave and carry ourselves. Everyday we are creating something, but how many of us actually pay attention to our thoughts?
I always ask my clients, "What do you want?" I get a variety of answers, but when I ask what are thinking that is stopping you from getting these things that you want? I am usually met with silence. They are not sure usually. I pose the question to you reading this blog, what do you want? What thought is stopping you from getting what you want? Everything and anything that can happen is created from our word. Our word is simply the manifestation of a thought. I have observing many people say I want love but there are no good men or women out there. Two things can happen with that mentality; 1. You will CONTINUE to attract no good men/women because that's the thought you have put out into the universe. Or you will be single for a while because you won't be attracting anyone to you because you think men/women are no good and you'll put up a wall so high that no one will be able to climb over, leaving you single and bitter. What you resist will persist. Keep saying I don't want a bad man/woman, and that is exactly what you will attract.
Okay, so how do you create what you want? Well, it takes practice. I was in the practice for many years talking about what I did not want. what I did not like, what I did not need and all of those things kept showing up. I thought maybe I was cursed or something. What I know now is that I am EXTREMELY powerful and whatever I thought would manifest into my life. I had to do a serious introspection into my thoughts. What was I thinking that was having all these things that I did not want in my life to keep showing up? I was focusing on the negative. I would not make affirmative statements. I'd say " I really hope this date doesn't cancel." Guess what would happen? You guessed correctly if you said the date canceled. I started noticing that pattern, if I think it then it happens. What would happen I thought, "This is going to be the best date ever!" ? Well, it turned out to be the best date ever. I realized that I LITERALLY had to power to sway how things went with my thoughts. I was committed to transforming my life by transforming my thoughts. In order to be successful at that, I had to CREATE a thought process that promoted success, growth, love and positive affirmations.
You may be at a point in your life where things are not going so well for you, and that's okay but what are you thinking? Are you creating and inviting negative thoughts into your space? Are you attracting what you don't want by thinking about what you don't want? Stop doing that then. To make it easier for yourself, get a journal and write down twenty things that you DO want. Once you have written them down, make few copies and post them in places that you frequent in your house, car, workplace and subconsciously and even consciously you will be seeing your WANTS in an affirmative light. Now, to take it a step further instead of saying these are the things that you want, relate to them as things that you HAVE but you just have not uncovered them yet. Live into your future by OWNING your present. Think as though these are the things already yours. Observe your thoughts and see what shows up for you. Also, I have eliminated words like cannot, try, maybe, hope.....those words are ways for you to wavering in your thought process of ownership of your positive thoughts.
Just as GOD created the world and created YOU and said it was good, you too can do this. Reach in and find the I AM in yourself and CREATE love, light, positivity and everything else that is great, simply by THINKING thoughts that correlate with these things. You are a POWERFUL being. You are a beautiful, whole, complete and capable being who is worthy of having everything you desire. You must first create it within your thoughts. Your beautiful thoughts will give rise to beautiful actions which will produce beautiful results. You can do it. I see the GOD in you.
Want more? Feel free to contact me for a free consultation.
Visit my website at www.purepeacelifecoaching.com to set up an appointment : )
I look forward to hearing from you.
I always ask my clients, "What do you want?" I get a variety of answers, but when I ask what are thinking that is stopping you from getting these things that you want? I am usually met with silence. They are not sure usually. I pose the question to you reading this blog, what do you want? What thought is stopping you from getting what you want? Everything and anything that can happen is created from our word. Our word is simply the manifestation of a thought. I have observing many people say I want love but there are no good men or women out there. Two things can happen with that mentality; 1. You will CONTINUE to attract no good men/women because that's the thought you have put out into the universe. Or you will be single for a while because you won't be attracting anyone to you because you think men/women are no good and you'll put up a wall so high that no one will be able to climb over, leaving you single and bitter. What you resist will persist. Keep saying I don't want a bad man/woman, and that is exactly what you will attract.
Okay, so how do you create what you want? Well, it takes practice. I was in the practice for many years talking about what I did not want. what I did not like, what I did not need and all of those things kept showing up. I thought maybe I was cursed or something. What I know now is that I am EXTREMELY powerful and whatever I thought would manifest into my life. I had to do a serious introspection into my thoughts. What was I thinking that was having all these things that I did not want in my life to keep showing up? I was focusing on the negative. I would not make affirmative statements. I'd say " I really hope this date doesn't cancel." Guess what would happen? You guessed correctly if you said the date canceled. I started noticing that pattern, if I think it then it happens. What would happen I thought, "This is going to be the best date ever!" ? Well, it turned out to be the best date ever. I realized that I LITERALLY had to power to sway how things went with my thoughts. I was committed to transforming my life by transforming my thoughts. In order to be successful at that, I had to CREATE a thought process that promoted success, growth, love and positive affirmations.
You may be at a point in your life where things are not going so well for you, and that's okay but what are you thinking? Are you creating and inviting negative thoughts into your space? Are you attracting what you don't want by thinking about what you don't want? Stop doing that then. To make it easier for yourself, get a journal and write down twenty things that you DO want. Once you have written them down, make few copies and post them in places that you frequent in your house, car, workplace and subconsciously and even consciously you will be seeing your WANTS in an affirmative light. Now, to take it a step further instead of saying these are the things that you want, relate to them as things that you HAVE but you just have not uncovered them yet. Live into your future by OWNING your present. Think as though these are the things already yours. Observe your thoughts and see what shows up for you. Also, I have eliminated words like cannot, try, maybe, hope.....those words are ways for you to wavering in your thought process of ownership of your positive thoughts.
Just as GOD created the world and created YOU and said it was good, you too can do this. Reach in and find the I AM in yourself and CREATE love, light, positivity and everything else that is great, simply by THINKING thoughts that correlate with these things. You are a POWERFUL being. You are a beautiful, whole, complete and capable being who is worthy of having everything you desire. You must first create it within your thoughts. Your beautiful thoughts will give rise to beautiful actions which will produce beautiful results. You can do it. I see the GOD in you.
Want more? Feel free to contact me for a free consultation.
Visit my website at www.purepeacelifecoaching.com to set up an appointment : )
I look forward to hearing from you.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Vulnerability
To be vulnerable, is to give someone access to the things that make you cry, freak out, and make you uncomfortable. I think that to give someone this access can give you a huge amount of freedom because you would finally be able to share very openly and truthfully. However, getting to that point of absolute vulnerability requires a significant amount of self work and a worthy person. I have NOT been very vulnerable with many people in my life. I had a belief that once someone else knows what makes me breakdown they would use it against me. My fear of sharing my real self was greater than connecting 100% with someone. I realize now, that in hindsight that wasn't the best move. However, I also was not in a place where I even knew how to share myself openly. I would always be the listening ear, and the go to person for all things personal but I would never share. How could I? After all, no one would understand.
What was I so scared of? Why are people so scared to share and be open? I know that I just couldn't bear to have have my vulnerabilities being in someone elses' possession. I could not imagine sharing my secrets with someone. Instead, I would deflect and side step deep emotions and I would hide behind fake arguments, tears about one thing but they were really about something deeper but I did not have the guts to share. I believe that many people have the same issues as me, they just don't want to put themselves out there to be hurt. That is extremely understandable and at some point everyone feels that way, no one wants their secrets to be used against them. Therefore people close up and they share partly, but not fully. As a result we have many people walking around in relationship giving 60% or 30% or even 20% of themselves and missing out on something amazing by not sharing fully.
What can be done here? What did I do? I got present to the fact that by NOT sharing myself wholly and completely that I was missing out on some BIG love. I was missing out because I was too busy protecting myself from sharing and therefore I was pushing important people away. I got very clear that in order to have the life of my dreams I would have to strip down with myself first. Ask myself, what on earth was I hiding? What was I hiding from? Who was I hiding from? Of course the answer is me. I was not being real with myself. I wasn't facing my own demons and my own nasty things that I was unwilling to deal with. I figured that if anyone found out my secrets I would be unloved and I would be discarded like garbage. Again, I did not think I would be worthy of all the love in the world if I was even a little bit broken. No one would love something broken, no one. Finally, I woke up. I thought about all the people who I love that come to me when they are broken. I love them more, broken pieces and all because that is what they deserve. People deserve to be held, listened to, acknowledged and LOVED when they are at their worst. I was and am ALWAYS willing to do that for someone. I just did not think that anyone would do it for me. That, right there is the highest degree of self loathing and lack of self love. I needed to break out of that habit immediately.
MY happiness does not occur outside of me. No one can make me happy, sad, mad or glad without my permission. I had to get very clear that I was worthy of everything that I wanted and in order to have deep, meaningful, long lasting relationships I would have to be absolutely vulnerable with those in my life. I had to be willing to put it all on the table and even risk being hurt but the reward is so much greater than ANY amount of pain. The reward would be a love so deep and profound that it would move me to tears by just the thought. So for all my clients looking for love or wondering why their relationships aren't working, I urge them to check themselves. Check yourself meaning be real and open with yourself. Get to the source of your pain, fear, anger, sadness and anything else that would make you hide from meaningful relationships. Open yourself up, and allow love to flow from you so that it can flow into you. You are so worthy of a beautiful love, and it starts first with loving yourself. That there is the key to every successful relationship.
Tahira West
PurePeaceLC@gmail.com
201-500-7146
Facebook: www.facebook.com/purepeacelifecoaching
Twitter: @PurePeaceLC
What was I so scared of? Why are people so scared to share and be open? I know that I just couldn't bear to have have my vulnerabilities being in someone elses' possession. I could not imagine sharing my secrets with someone. Instead, I would deflect and side step deep emotions and I would hide behind fake arguments, tears about one thing but they were really about something deeper but I did not have the guts to share. I believe that many people have the same issues as me, they just don't want to put themselves out there to be hurt. That is extremely understandable and at some point everyone feels that way, no one wants their secrets to be used against them. Therefore people close up and they share partly, but not fully. As a result we have many people walking around in relationship giving 60% or 30% or even 20% of themselves and missing out on something amazing by not sharing fully.
What can be done here? What did I do? I got present to the fact that by NOT sharing myself wholly and completely that I was missing out on some BIG love. I was missing out because I was too busy protecting myself from sharing and therefore I was pushing important people away. I got very clear that in order to have the life of my dreams I would have to strip down with myself first. Ask myself, what on earth was I hiding? What was I hiding from? Who was I hiding from? Of course the answer is me. I was not being real with myself. I wasn't facing my own demons and my own nasty things that I was unwilling to deal with. I figured that if anyone found out my secrets I would be unloved and I would be discarded like garbage. Again, I did not think I would be worthy of all the love in the world if I was even a little bit broken. No one would love something broken, no one. Finally, I woke up. I thought about all the people who I love that come to me when they are broken. I love them more, broken pieces and all because that is what they deserve. People deserve to be held, listened to, acknowledged and LOVED when they are at their worst. I was and am ALWAYS willing to do that for someone. I just did not think that anyone would do it for me. That, right there is the highest degree of self loathing and lack of self love. I needed to break out of that habit immediately.
MY happiness does not occur outside of me. No one can make me happy, sad, mad or glad without my permission. I had to get very clear that I was worthy of everything that I wanted and in order to have deep, meaningful, long lasting relationships I would have to be absolutely vulnerable with those in my life. I had to be willing to put it all on the table and even risk being hurt but the reward is so much greater than ANY amount of pain. The reward would be a love so deep and profound that it would move me to tears by just the thought. So for all my clients looking for love or wondering why their relationships aren't working, I urge them to check themselves. Check yourself meaning be real and open with yourself. Get to the source of your pain, fear, anger, sadness and anything else that would make you hide from meaningful relationships. Open yourself up, and allow love to flow from you so that it can flow into you. You are so worthy of a beautiful love, and it starts first with loving yourself. That there is the key to every successful relationship.
Tahira West
PurePeaceLC@gmail.com
201-500-7146
Facebook: www.facebook.com/purepeacelifecoaching
Twitter: @PurePeaceLC
Friday, July 23, 2010
Beautiful...Beautiful...Black Men...This is for you!!!!!!
Originally I was going to blog about something else, but I was sitting here daydreaming about my husband and that triggered something inside of me.I have a deep sense of love and appreciation for brothas and I figure, hey, why not let the world know.
Lets start with the great and the obvious. Black men in every shade is just beautiful. The poetry that lives in the skin, swagger and style of black men is what makes me smile and melt every time.They come in all professions, some legal, some not and some of them are self employed but anyway you a slice it, a hard working brotha is just a beautiful sight. Lately I have been reading all these different posts, and articles about the death of the black man, and forget black men because they only want to exploit sistas, and how they are always in jail and so on and so forth. Although there is some truth in there about the tribulations of SOME brothers, NOT all of them are bad, on trial and should be thrown away.
This blog is dedicated to brothas period! I don't know what it's like growing up as a Black man in America. I do know though that wherever brothas grow up, there is a stereotype that follows. If he's the sole brotha in a milky white town, he's either the savior or the devil in someone's eyes. He can never just be him, out of the scrutiny of someone. Brothas growing up in the hood, now we all know the stereotypes there; He's bad. He's going to do be bad if he don't stop hanging out with these bad boys. Or the opposite for the quiet and studious ones. He's a nerd, he too quiet, maybe he gay. Lastly, if he's really cute then he's too conceited or he's a player or some girls are always going to fight over him. Can a brotha just live?
I have often wondered though what a brotha thinks about when he is encountered with these plethora of stereotypes daily. I wonder if some of them ever make him cry and want to get away from all the hype. I think of the ones who walked down the wrong path and wonder if it would have been different for them if they could do it over again. I wonder if some of these young guys feel terrible when they are on trial for murder, they must. I truly believe that everyone is born with innocence and something corrupts that innocence and they take a less than desirable path.Is there enough nurturing for young, black boys? Recently I read a case about a father punching his six year old in his chest because he couldn't fall asleep. He punched him repeatedly until he had a seizure and died, all the while his father screaming "Man up" at him. Could that be the issue? Young black boys have to man up because their environment says that they have to before their times? Just questions I have in my mind.
The black men that I have in my life are pretty stellar. Many of them are amazing fathers and husbands. They have beaten the odds of going to prison and dead at a premature age. They hold down careers and are constantly improving. They support their communities by mentoring and giving monetarily. I am grateful for that reality. I honor these men because they have gone above and beyond to make sure that they are not a stereotype. They have satisfied their own personal goals and have made their families proud. These brothas did what they knew was right and I am proud to know them. There are the other brothas who took a path that lead them to a lifetime of Central Booking, prisons and running from the police. I could say they make brothas look bad, but it's not about looking bad at this point. It's about supporting the little ones who are at a high risk of falling into a criminal lifestyle. Those same brothas who made it out of the hood or who made it out of the suburbs with a clean or not so clean police record have a duty to mentor a young boy who is at risk. It will alter his world, not just because a brotha is in his life, but a brotha with the same circumstances but chose a successful path.
I know not every brotha will be like the ones in Tyler Perry's movies but those men do exist. There are those brothas who do some unpleasant things for a number of years and then something changes in their lives and they change for good. Then there are those brothas who lose their lives to prison, drugs, crime and eventually death. Despite where in the spectrum brothas fall, we still need to show them love and honor them. We meaning sistas. I know some people will say that brothas play games, and they play sistas and they are no good and they are dead beats. However, what we need to remember is that they were not always that way, nor were we. At some point in time there was a beautiful coexistence between brothas and sistas and something happened. Something happened that divided the Black family and we turned on each other. We even hated each other and it has become very evident from the way that we speak to each other. Based on speaking to both men and women I have concluded that both parties want the same thing. To be loved with no judgment, not to be confused with to be loved and NOT taught. Both brothas and sistas want these things from each other, but somehow some sistas think that brothas don't have the courage to give them that and some brothas think that sistas are too far removed that they don't even bother.
STOP IT!!!!!!! Everybody needs to stop fronting like they don't need love. Both parties, sistas and brothas. We have all these groups that have popped up placing money over each other and blasting the message that brothas/sistas ain't shit. Really? So if we are all hating on each other, but still desiring a relationship then how do we expect that to happen if everybody is fronting like they hate each other? I understand that there is pain in everyone's past that has probably left some damage in your heart and spirit but one has to remember that not every man is the same. No and I will repeat that, not every man or woman is the same. If you really think about it, if YOU keep encountering the same thing time after time and YOU keep ending up with the same end result and if the common denominator is YOU then could it possibly be that YOU are the same, and YOU have not learned from your previous mistakes and YOU are looking to recreate every relationship to fashion the first? Brothas and sistas, whether it's going to take growing up, altering your thought process and realizing that we are here for each other something must be done. We cannot continue saying that we do not need each other, YES WE DO. The Black family unit is looking to make a strong comeback and we need more younger couples to make that happen.
I was guilty in my former years of saying that brothas weren't worthy. However, a few of my brothers were my reality check on brothas and I realize that I am the source of everything in my life and I had to alter ME. Once I got that I had to clean up my mental and shift my thoughts towards the positive for ME....my whole world opened up. I met all kinds of great brothas, and not even for dating, but just meeting to have conversation. When I met my husband we had great conversations. We talked about past relationships, the black family unit, and we were real with each other. No masks, no hiding, just kept it 100% through tears, truth and sitting on the hopes of creating a very strong, structured family. It is possible for everyone if they allow themselves to be vulnerable and at peace with the chatter in their minds. This blog is about brothas but I cannot possibly write about brothas and not include sistas. We need each other. We need that family unit once again. We need to raise our kids in unity and not every man for themselves. We need to build dynasties again, so that our children can stop dying before their times.
I love BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN AND WOMEN AS WELL.
Dedicated to my husband, Mr. J.Sylvan : )
Lets start with the great and the obvious. Black men in every shade is just beautiful. The poetry that lives in the skin, swagger and style of black men is what makes me smile and melt every time.They come in all professions, some legal, some not and some of them are self employed but anyway you a slice it, a hard working brotha is just a beautiful sight. Lately I have been reading all these different posts, and articles about the death of the black man, and forget black men because they only want to exploit sistas, and how they are always in jail and so on and so forth. Although there is some truth in there about the tribulations of SOME brothers, NOT all of them are bad, on trial and should be thrown away.
This blog is dedicated to brothas period! I don't know what it's like growing up as a Black man in America. I do know though that wherever brothas grow up, there is a stereotype that follows. If he's the sole brotha in a milky white town, he's either the savior or the devil in someone's eyes. He can never just be him, out of the scrutiny of someone. Brothas growing up in the hood, now we all know the stereotypes there; He's bad. He's going to do be bad if he don't stop hanging out with these bad boys. Or the opposite for the quiet and studious ones. He's a nerd, he too quiet, maybe he gay. Lastly, if he's really cute then he's too conceited or he's a player or some girls are always going to fight over him. Can a brotha just live?
I have often wondered though what a brotha thinks about when he is encountered with these plethora of stereotypes daily. I wonder if some of them ever make him cry and want to get away from all the hype. I think of the ones who walked down the wrong path and wonder if it would have been different for them if they could do it over again. I wonder if some of these young guys feel terrible when they are on trial for murder, they must. I truly believe that everyone is born with innocence and something corrupts that innocence and they take a less than desirable path.Is there enough nurturing for young, black boys? Recently I read a case about a father punching his six year old in his chest because he couldn't fall asleep. He punched him repeatedly until he had a seizure and died, all the while his father screaming "Man up" at him. Could that be the issue? Young black boys have to man up because their environment says that they have to before their times? Just questions I have in my mind.
The black men that I have in my life are pretty stellar. Many of them are amazing fathers and husbands. They have beaten the odds of going to prison and dead at a premature age. They hold down careers and are constantly improving. They support their communities by mentoring and giving monetarily. I am grateful for that reality. I honor these men because they have gone above and beyond to make sure that they are not a stereotype. They have satisfied their own personal goals and have made their families proud. These brothas did what they knew was right and I am proud to know them. There are the other brothas who took a path that lead them to a lifetime of Central Booking, prisons and running from the police. I could say they make brothas look bad, but it's not about looking bad at this point. It's about supporting the little ones who are at a high risk of falling into a criminal lifestyle. Those same brothas who made it out of the hood or who made it out of the suburbs with a clean or not so clean police record have a duty to mentor a young boy who is at risk. It will alter his world, not just because a brotha is in his life, but a brotha with the same circumstances but chose a successful path.
I know not every brotha will be like the ones in Tyler Perry's movies but those men do exist. There are those brothas who do some unpleasant things for a number of years and then something changes in their lives and they change for good. Then there are those brothas who lose their lives to prison, drugs, crime and eventually death. Despite where in the spectrum brothas fall, we still need to show them love and honor them. We meaning sistas. I know some people will say that brothas play games, and they play sistas and they are no good and they are dead beats. However, what we need to remember is that they were not always that way, nor were we. At some point in time there was a beautiful coexistence between brothas and sistas and something happened. Something happened that divided the Black family and we turned on each other. We even hated each other and it has become very evident from the way that we speak to each other. Based on speaking to both men and women I have concluded that both parties want the same thing. To be loved with no judgment, not to be confused with to be loved and NOT taught. Both brothas and sistas want these things from each other, but somehow some sistas think that brothas don't have the courage to give them that and some brothas think that sistas are too far removed that they don't even bother.
STOP IT!!!!!!! Everybody needs to stop fronting like they don't need love. Both parties, sistas and brothas. We have all these groups that have popped up placing money over each other and blasting the message that brothas/sistas ain't shit. Really? So if we are all hating on each other, but still desiring a relationship then how do we expect that to happen if everybody is fronting like they hate each other? I understand that there is pain in everyone's past that has probably left some damage in your heart and spirit but one has to remember that not every man is the same. No and I will repeat that, not every man or woman is the same. If you really think about it, if YOU keep encountering the same thing time after time and YOU keep ending up with the same end result and if the common denominator is YOU then could it possibly be that YOU are the same, and YOU have not learned from your previous mistakes and YOU are looking to recreate every relationship to fashion the first? Brothas and sistas, whether it's going to take growing up, altering your thought process and realizing that we are here for each other something must be done. We cannot continue saying that we do not need each other, YES WE DO. The Black family unit is looking to make a strong comeback and we need more younger couples to make that happen.
I was guilty in my former years of saying that brothas weren't worthy. However, a few of my brothers were my reality check on brothas and I realize that I am the source of everything in my life and I had to alter ME. Once I got that I had to clean up my mental and shift my thoughts towards the positive for ME....my whole world opened up. I met all kinds of great brothas, and not even for dating, but just meeting to have conversation. When I met my husband we had great conversations. We talked about past relationships, the black family unit, and we were real with each other. No masks, no hiding, just kept it 100% through tears, truth and sitting on the hopes of creating a very strong, structured family. It is possible for everyone if they allow themselves to be vulnerable and at peace with the chatter in their minds. This blog is about brothas but I cannot possibly write about brothas and not include sistas. We need each other. We need that family unit once again. We need to raise our kids in unity and not every man for themselves. We need to build dynasties again, so that our children can stop dying before their times.
I love BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN AND WOMEN AS WELL.
Dedicated to my husband, Mr. J.Sylvan : )
Friday, July 2, 2010
Why Do People Settle...In Relationships?
" I mean I love him and all but I don't really love him like that. He ain't a marrying type of dude." Says one girl to her friend on the train. " Word! I feel you cuz my man please he don't be buying me shit. At least yours be buying you stuff you need. This fool ain't worth it. But at least he can pipe." Her friend replies. Omg!!!! Overhearing that conversation was funny and sad at the same time. These girls could not have been older than seventeen (I gathered that from their school uniforms) and they already were talking about their "men" in a way that implied they were settling and staying with them for all the wrong reasons. Of course I couldn't help but wonder where they adopted this pattern.
There was a woman I was acquainted with a while back who always had the same complaint about her relationship. She wasn't happy about where her relationship was going due to their financial constraints and she disliked the fact that he still lived with the mother of his children. That story always baffled me because I couldn't understand why you would be in a relationship with someone for a decade and he still lived with his childrens' mother. A year, okay, two years, is pushing it but TEN????? Anyone else head is spinning? Her justification was that he needed to stay in the home for his daughters and it didn't matter anyway because he slept on the couch. Yes my people, this will be settling.
I told that story because my concern has always been for her daughter. Not only are you dating a man who won't sleep over at your house for a decade but he comes late and leaves early and your daughter observes this pattern. My people this is not normal nor healthy. What that young girl is learning, is that relationships are about creeping. I guess to make up for his absenteeism he would adorn the mother and daughter with Coach, Gucci and Louis bags and shoes. You would think he was handing out love and affection by the way they acted. This young girl whose father was also absent would periodically show up, give her money here and there and because she has replaced money with love she loves her daddy a great deal...well as long as that cash flow continues. Guess what though? Since daddy isn't around that often and she needs to look fly always, she now seeks love/money from men who can provide it. We all know that no one gets anything for free and especially when you have it in your head that you need cash to stay fly which will therefore make you relevant and loved, you do what you need to do. In her case, risky, unprotected sex with grown men who said I love you girl, here's x amount of dollars and she sees those cartoon dollar signs in her eyes and she does whatever she needs to do for that cash. Wow!
Is this story shocking to anyone? Sadly probably not, right? With ridiculous shows like The Real Housewives of whatever messed up city and all these shows that idolize money and not love, what are these girls to think? These girls grow into women who get very confused about their wants in relationships. They claim they want men with six figure salaries, great jobs, pushing a nice Benz, education optional and mad sexy. I know depending on the girl the criteria changes. Some women do get this and they often end up unhappy. It's like they neglect to see the bigger picture. If he is working to make a six figure salary then chances are he will be working very late nights often. So they end up settling for a very tired man who spends a lot of time at work and who wants peace and quiet when he gets home. It doesn't have to be this extreme of a case for it to be considered settling.
You can be in a relationship with a great guy but if he doesn't satisfy you in every way then why would you stay? I took a poll on my Facebook page and I gathered some interesting feedback to that question. The one answer that jumped out was a lack of something within themselves. Due to their consistent cycle of settling they know nothing else and because that's what they know it seems normal. The truth is whatever you do one place then you probably do it everywhere, right? Probably. My mind wanders to women who are involved in domestic violence situations. They know the cycle of violence is toxic but they stay. Another answer I got from my poll was fear. Due to the fact that these women are living in oppressively tough situations I can only imagine what kind of fear consumes them. What does get these warriors out of their fearful situations is when they stop settling for fear and take on self love and courage and embrace it fully.
So in conclusion I think it makes a lot of sense to check out the cycle of the parent and see how it has trickled down to the child. It is important to remember to set standards and boundaries for yourself when it comes to dating. You have to carefully watch your patterns to see if it brings you destruction or bliss. And if you see a pattern of destruction, ask yourself why do you keep repeating the same pattern? What is the pay off here? In other words what do you get to be right about in a destructive situation? Is it possible that you get to say, Men ain't shit? Or Women ain't shit? Or that you always get hurt because you are unworthy of love? That could be some answers to the pay off question. However, the more important question you want to ask is what is this costing you? The cost would be after the pay off has worn off and all you're left with is your sadness, loneliness, suffering, grief and self loathing. Imagine how that feels. So in the example I gave earlier about that young girl, her pay off is that she gets to be right about always looking fly, having money and men always wanting to be around her. However, when she observes relationships based on love, the cost is bound to be a void of that true love. A love where she has to do nothing but be herself. A love where she is accepted for her and not the amount of stuff she can do for nice things. The cost is her happiness, her innocence and her dignity. Just writing that made me hurt for her.
It all goes back to the love of self. Once your self love is magnified and really put on blast, settling will never be an option for you. Fear can also have you do crazy things. Fear and Love are polar opposites, so they cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Fear will create a need for a pay off and a cost. Love creates more love and more love and more love and more love. Who will you choose to be? What will be your aim? Fear or Love? Either way, only you are in your head at the end of the day. Take inventory.
There was a woman I was acquainted with a while back who always had the same complaint about her relationship. She wasn't happy about where her relationship was going due to their financial constraints and she disliked the fact that he still lived with the mother of his children. That story always baffled me because I couldn't understand why you would be in a relationship with someone for a decade and he still lived with his childrens' mother. A year, okay, two years, is pushing it but TEN????? Anyone else head is spinning? Her justification was that he needed to stay in the home for his daughters and it didn't matter anyway because he slept on the couch. Yes my people, this will be settling.
I told that story because my concern has always been for her daughter. Not only are you dating a man who won't sleep over at your house for a decade but he comes late and leaves early and your daughter observes this pattern. My people this is not normal nor healthy. What that young girl is learning, is that relationships are about creeping. I guess to make up for his absenteeism he would adorn the mother and daughter with Coach, Gucci and Louis bags and shoes. You would think he was handing out love and affection by the way they acted. This young girl whose father was also absent would periodically show up, give her money here and there and because she has replaced money with love she loves her daddy a great deal...well as long as that cash flow continues. Guess what though? Since daddy isn't around that often and she needs to look fly always, she now seeks love/money from men who can provide it. We all know that no one gets anything for free and especially when you have it in your head that you need cash to stay fly which will therefore make you relevant and loved, you do what you need to do. In her case, risky, unprotected sex with grown men who said I love you girl, here's x amount of dollars and she sees those cartoon dollar signs in her eyes and she does whatever she needs to do for that cash. Wow!
Is this story shocking to anyone? Sadly probably not, right? With ridiculous shows like The Real Housewives of whatever messed up city and all these shows that idolize money and not love, what are these girls to think? These girls grow into women who get very confused about their wants in relationships. They claim they want men with six figure salaries, great jobs, pushing a nice Benz, education optional and mad sexy. I know depending on the girl the criteria changes. Some women do get this and they often end up unhappy. It's like they neglect to see the bigger picture. If he is working to make a six figure salary then chances are he will be working very late nights often. So they end up settling for a very tired man who spends a lot of time at work and who wants peace and quiet when he gets home. It doesn't have to be this extreme of a case for it to be considered settling.
You can be in a relationship with a great guy but if he doesn't satisfy you in every way then why would you stay? I took a poll on my Facebook page and I gathered some interesting feedback to that question. The one answer that jumped out was a lack of something within themselves. Due to their consistent cycle of settling they know nothing else and because that's what they know it seems normal. The truth is whatever you do one place then you probably do it everywhere, right? Probably. My mind wanders to women who are involved in domestic violence situations. They know the cycle of violence is toxic but they stay. Another answer I got from my poll was fear. Due to the fact that these women are living in oppressively tough situations I can only imagine what kind of fear consumes them. What does get these warriors out of their fearful situations is when they stop settling for fear and take on self love and courage and embrace it fully.
So in conclusion I think it makes a lot of sense to check out the cycle of the parent and see how it has trickled down to the child. It is important to remember to set standards and boundaries for yourself when it comes to dating. You have to carefully watch your patterns to see if it brings you destruction or bliss. And if you see a pattern of destruction, ask yourself why do you keep repeating the same pattern? What is the pay off here? In other words what do you get to be right about in a destructive situation? Is it possible that you get to say, Men ain't shit? Or Women ain't shit? Or that you always get hurt because you are unworthy of love? That could be some answers to the pay off question. However, the more important question you want to ask is what is this costing you? The cost would be after the pay off has worn off and all you're left with is your sadness, loneliness, suffering, grief and self loathing. Imagine how that feels. So in the example I gave earlier about that young girl, her pay off is that she gets to be right about always looking fly, having money and men always wanting to be around her. However, when she observes relationships based on love, the cost is bound to be a void of that true love. A love where she has to do nothing but be herself. A love where she is accepted for her and not the amount of stuff she can do for nice things. The cost is her happiness, her innocence and her dignity. Just writing that made me hurt for her.
It all goes back to the love of self. Once your self love is magnified and really put on blast, settling will never be an option for you. Fear can also have you do crazy things. Fear and Love are polar opposites, so they cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Fear will create a need for a pay off and a cost. Love creates more love and more love and more love and more love. Who will you choose to be? What will be your aim? Fear or Love? Either way, only you are in your head at the end of the day. Take inventory.
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