I know we usually produce our blog on Fridays but due to circumstances tomorrow is not possible for me, so here you guys go a day early but just as ready to bring some light to your world.
This week I will be exploring what this taking things personally issue is about. It happens to the best of us, even if it wasn't the person's intent we get wounded, our egos get bruised and we go on a rampage. Shame on us... Yea right!!!!
If we didn't take things personally, then we would not be human. Someone says something and we go off into our own world about how this person damaged us, hurt us, traumatized us and have completely destroyed our self-esteem. I know I am guilty of this. I often feel slighted by words and I take it very personally. However, once I calm down and really analyze what was said, even though it may have been hurtful, it was not personal. What I have discovered is that people are responding to their past more often than not when they snap at you or say something hurtful to you. They may have had a bad experience in the past and something about your interaction triggers that memory and they lash out as though you were who the person who hurt them initially. Don't take it personally.
The other side of that coin is that when someone sings your praises, you cannot take that personally either. They can rant and rave about how amazing you are, and how you do such a good job, or you're so beautiful and all these different praises, but what does any of that really mean? Nothing, it is just their opinion.
Here is what matters, your opinion of you. If you are very sure and confident with who you are and what you stand for, then nothing should be able to shake your faith in yourself. Imagine if you were walking down the street and a homeless person, seemingly out of their mind says to you that you are ugly and you need a face lift, chances are you probably are won't think twice about that person's opinion. However, if a well dressed man were to say the same thing you'll probably go home and cry or become really defensive and angry. It all depends on who says it, and what they say, right? Well my beautiful people, who really cares what anyone says? You have to be sure who you are and know that you are whole, complete and beautiful and no one can take that away from you. If someone says you're ugly, that opinion is theirs, if someone says you are beautiful, that opinion is theirs and frankly there is nothing for you to do about it other than say thank you either way.
Lastly, along with self love and self assurance there is also selfishness. Most of us when we take something personally we think it is all about us. It could be something as simple as someone not returning our call when we want them to, someone not reacting the way we want them to in a conversation, or whatever the case maybe. We think that it is all about us, and we make up this elaborate story about how they are out to get us, or that they don't care about us and we start feeling unappreciated and diminished in our self worth, we gossip, we cry and get flustered...based on something we made up. Now, while we are selfishly focusing on our made up grief, we neglect to even check in with our loved one to see what is up with them. We cause an imaginary rift while our loved one could be going through a moment of crisis and we are focused on us. So, remember it is not about you.
Focus on being healthy and loving yourself fully. Work on being the best you that you can be, a whole, complete and perfect you, who doesn't get tripped up on people's insults or compliments.
Don't Take It Personal
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Heal Thyself
"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds..."
The above quote is from Mr. Robert Nesta Marley, many of us have repeated those lyrics hundreds of times over but have we really taken to heart the true meaning? This week's blog is about the mental slavery many of us having been victims of abuse at one time or another. It is about the mental blockage that we had when it came to defending ourselves from our abusers and simply saying ENOUGH. I will explore what has us stay shackled and then what was the driving force that had us leap to freedom.
In the past week I have spoken to five different people from varying economic, gender, social, and racial backgrounds and what I discovered is that abuse does not just have one face. Abuse can happen to anyone despite your circumstances. Many of these individuals said that they felt so stupid for allowing themselves to stay in an abusive situation. When I asked if a friend or family member were in a similar situation, how they'd react, they all said they would strongly advise them to get out and they themselves would want to retaliate on the abuser, yet still none of them spoke up for themselves while their abuse was occurring. The abuse that they described varied from physical, to verbal, to emotional and even psychological, it was damning to their individual psyches and they had just lost their way to a more dominant force. My question was, why? Why did you stay?
The most reoccurring answer was LOVE or what they thought was love, not realizing that love had long gone and turned into FEAR. They stayed because it wasn't always bad. They stayed because at some point, almost always in the beginning the love was the sweetest. The person that they thought they knew was Mr. Right or Ms. Right and it was so good and so right that there was nothing that this person could do that would have them have one bad thought about them...even if they were forewarned. So, what went wrong? Based on my conversations it would always start subtly, being called a name other than your own that you felt uncomfortable with, or being spoken to with a harshness that was uncalled for, or maybe a slight slap on the face or a lie that didn't need to be told. They all said that they noticed but they chalked it up to the fact that everyone gets mad periodically and truthfully they probably did something to make their partners mad anyway, so it was cool, they understood. One time turned into thirty times and thirty times turned into years of abuse that each of these individuals said that it was probably their fault because they were either too clumsy, too stupid, not quick enough, not quiet enough, not strong enough, just NOT ENOUGH. They really adopted the story I am not enough and although this situation is bad, its not too bad, it could be worse and he/she isn't always mean, so its cool. Furthermore the biggest lie they'd tell themselves is that they would never find anyone who would be with them again, so it's better to be with an abuser than to be alone. This probably doesn't sound crazy to any of you reading this, because either you or someone you know has walked down this road.
Okay, so what's next? What starts to happen is that the light you once had is now barely flickering. The people closest to you noticed a while ago but because you put up a serious front or you became extremely defensive they just left the situation alone. However, now they see that something is up and they no longer just ask what is wrong they DEMAND to know and they will not leave you alone until you answer. Due to your heightened state of trauma, you still put up a front, but it is easily pulled down when your loved one asks "Does h/she hit you?" "How has your relationship been?" "You look off." Usually this is the point where the tears begin to fall and the words just start pouring out of your mouth about your personal hell and the experience is cathartic for you because you have been silent up until now. This doesn't mean that you are home free. You still feel bad because the support you are getting is enormous and you knew it would be like this but you thought they'd judge you and leave you alone. If you've always had a strong base, you know they would never leave you alone, and that is the reality for all of the people I spoke with.
The follow up to this is that they did finally get enough strength to and courage to face their abuser. More often than not the abusers would be apologetic and a couple of the people fell into the same cycle. However in the end the biggest accomplishment was leaving because they knew the relationship was toxic and there was nothing left for them there. With the help of family and friends, they escaped. Good for them, right? Yes, but the battle is never won unless the survivors have thrown away their old way of relating to themselves as weak, abused and unlovable and really get reacquainted with themselves as whole, complete and powerful individuals. Unfortunately because many people have ran away from doing work on themselves they repeat the cycle of abuse time and again. Others find comfort in flings that last for a short time with no attachment, others attach themselves to every nice guy/girl who comes along then ultimately finds flaws in them and the list can go on with destructive behavior forever. No one can heal you, unless you heal you!
Take the time while you are single to work on you. Meditate and envision the life you want for yourself. Take long walks alone and talk to yourself if you have to and make peace with yourself. Journal or write poetry and dedicate them to yourself so you can bring that self love back into your life. Take a yoga class and concentrate on your body and your breathing. Eat food that will bring life and healthiness to your body and just find your center and your balance, for you, so that you can really say that you know yourself and you know what you want, Get comfortable with being alone, and being happy with the being that you are, create friendships that are simply just friendships and get to know peoples' stories and also share your own. Heal thyself by knowing thyself. You are the author, publisher and editor of your life. Sure your abuser had to no right to treat you that way, but you allowed it. No one has a right to disrespect you, but you can only feel disrespected if you allow it. Do you get my drift? You are in charge of your life and your body. Are you beautiful, strong, courageous and bold? Can you really say those things about yourself? At the end of the day, its just you and your body, heart and soul. You get to say who you be. Only you...
HEAL THYSELF!!!
The above quote is from Mr. Robert Nesta Marley, many of us have repeated those lyrics hundreds of times over but have we really taken to heart the true meaning? This week's blog is about the mental slavery many of us having been victims of abuse at one time or another. It is about the mental blockage that we had when it came to defending ourselves from our abusers and simply saying ENOUGH. I will explore what has us stay shackled and then what was the driving force that had us leap to freedom.
In the past week I have spoken to five different people from varying economic, gender, social, and racial backgrounds and what I discovered is that abuse does not just have one face. Abuse can happen to anyone despite your circumstances. Many of these individuals said that they felt so stupid for allowing themselves to stay in an abusive situation. When I asked if a friend or family member were in a similar situation, how they'd react, they all said they would strongly advise them to get out and they themselves would want to retaliate on the abuser, yet still none of them spoke up for themselves while their abuse was occurring. The abuse that they described varied from physical, to verbal, to emotional and even psychological, it was damning to their individual psyches and they had just lost their way to a more dominant force. My question was, why? Why did you stay?
The most reoccurring answer was LOVE or what they thought was love, not realizing that love had long gone and turned into FEAR. They stayed because it wasn't always bad. They stayed because at some point, almost always in the beginning the love was the sweetest. The person that they thought they knew was Mr. Right or Ms. Right and it was so good and so right that there was nothing that this person could do that would have them have one bad thought about them...even if they were forewarned. So, what went wrong? Based on my conversations it would always start subtly, being called a name other than your own that you felt uncomfortable with, or being spoken to with a harshness that was uncalled for, or maybe a slight slap on the face or a lie that didn't need to be told. They all said that they noticed but they chalked it up to the fact that everyone gets mad periodically and truthfully they probably did something to make their partners mad anyway, so it was cool, they understood. One time turned into thirty times and thirty times turned into years of abuse that each of these individuals said that it was probably their fault because they were either too clumsy, too stupid, not quick enough, not quiet enough, not strong enough, just NOT ENOUGH. They really adopted the story I am not enough and although this situation is bad, its not too bad, it could be worse and he/she isn't always mean, so its cool. Furthermore the biggest lie they'd tell themselves is that they would never find anyone who would be with them again, so it's better to be with an abuser than to be alone. This probably doesn't sound crazy to any of you reading this, because either you or someone you know has walked down this road.
Okay, so what's next? What starts to happen is that the light you once had is now barely flickering. The people closest to you noticed a while ago but because you put up a serious front or you became extremely defensive they just left the situation alone. However, now they see that something is up and they no longer just ask what is wrong they DEMAND to know and they will not leave you alone until you answer. Due to your heightened state of trauma, you still put up a front, but it is easily pulled down when your loved one asks "Does h/she hit you?" "How has your relationship been?" "You look off." Usually this is the point where the tears begin to fall and the words just start pouring out of your mouth about your personal hell and the experience is cathartic for you because you have been silent up until now. This doesn't mean that you are home free. You still feel bad because the support you are getting is enormous and you knew it would be like this but you thought they'd judge you and leave you alone. If you've always had a strong base, you know they would never leave you alone, and that is the reality for all of the people I spoke with.
The follow up to this is that they did finally get enough strength to and courage to face their abuser. More often than not the abusers would be apologetic and a couple of the people fell into the same cycle. However in the end the biggest accomplishment was leaving because they knew the relationship was toxic and there was nothing left for them there. With the help of family and friends, they escaped. Good for them, right? Yes, but the battle is never won unless the survivors have thrown away their old way of relating to themselves as weak, abused and unlovable and really get reacquainted with themselves as whole, complete and powerful individuals. Unfortunately because many people have ran away from doing work on themselves they repeat the cycle of abuse time and again. Others find comfort in flings that last for a short time with no attachment, others attach themselves to every nice guy/girl who comes along then ultimately finds flaws in them and the list can go on with destructive behavior forever. No one can heal you, unless you heal you!
Take the time while you are single to work on you. Meditate and envision the life you want for yourself. Take long walks alone and talk to yourself if you have to and make peace with yourself. Journal or write poetry and dedicate them to yourself so you can bring that self love back into your life. Take a yoga class and concentrate on your body and your breathing. Eat food that will bring life and healthiness to your body and just find your center and your balance, for you, so that you can really say that you know yourself and you know what you want, Get comfortable with being alone, and being happy with the being that you are, create friendships that are simply just friendships and get to know peoples' stories and also share your own. Heal thyself by knowing thyself. You are the author, publisher and editor of your life. Sure your abuser had to no right to treat you that way, but you allowed it. No one has a right to disrespect you, but you can only feel disrespected if you allow it. Do you get my drift? You are in charge of your life and your body. Are you beautiful, strong, courageous and bold? Can you really say those things about yourself? At the end of the day, its just you and your body, heart and soul. You get to say who you be. Only you...
HEAL THYSELF!!!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Say What You Got to Say
Why do we resist saying what we really want to say?
So, I’m wondering: why do we as people, seem to resist saying what we really want to say? I’m sure at one point or another, we have all been there. Whether in your personal life or your career, you have found yourself at a juncture where you’ve decided NOT to say what you wanted to say. Or insisted on saying what you thought the person wanted to hear. We have all let our egos, fear and even judgments keep us from speaking up or speaking out. For instance, have you ever resisted telling a friend you were disappointed in them? Missed someone you continue to neglect to call? Have you ever wanted to be held by someone you were afraid to admit you needed? Or watched someone be disrespectful to another individual without speaking up?
Why do you think we do this? Is it our desire to conform socially and need to have others ‘like us’? Is it the fact that we fear the others reaction? Are we avoiding confrontation? Are we being too ‘nice’ and resisting telling others of the ugly behavior we’re observing? Do we convince ourselves we ‘just don’t care’ about the outcome, situation, or individual? Why do we resist telling others when they have hurt us? Or request a hug or word of encouragement during a moment of struggle? Why don’t we ask our parents the answers to questions that have bugged us since childhood? Or tell our friend the impact their absence has had on our lives? Why not share?
I think we don’t speak up because we fear. We fear social isolation or the loss of our relationships. As human beings we have an innate desire to belong and be loved. Our desire to cover our base needs creates in us the desire to preserve what we’ve obtained. Whether or not the relationships are healthy or serve us any longer, we hold on to them. We also fear change. We fear the unknown and hold onto the familiar tooth and nail. Why not share with the ones we love? Why don’t we say what we truly feel, share from our hearts, from that vulnerable place inside of us all? Fear! Fear stops us. While I get it, I have had my own experiences of it, and can empathize with others struggling to work through their fear, I say take the next step anyway. I say walk through the fear, not away from what scares you. What is the worst that can happen? In the end we are all much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And once you have stood and faced your fears, you realize just how fantastic and resilient you are. In the end, allowing for vulnerability in the face of fear, takes true bravery. Why not be courageous and optimistic, and go for it!
Here is what I propose. Let’s stop acting like conversations will kill us. Let’s stop running from our true feelings, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with those around us. Let’s bring the heart, soul and love back to communication. If you have been missing someone, go call them please. If you have unfinished business with someone dear to you, go have that conversation. If there is a situation at work that is affecting your happiness, please go talk to the person who can do something about it. Having trouble with a co worker, then invite them to lunch and hash things out. Whatever it is that is on your chest, that has been weighing on you, consuming your thoughts, causing you stress, release it. Have a conversation not only with yourself, but the other person at stake. We are all one. I am you and you are me. The division we create between us isn’t real, its self created, it’s a machine, a lie we’ve bought into and now perpetuate. Let’s talk. Let’s talk like we understand that there is no real division. Let’s have those conversations and remember we are not so different from one another. Our individual perspectives don’t separate us nor define us. Love is what defines us as human beings. Let’s remember the love, get related, and talk.
I’m sure many of us have someone, even if it’s just one person, whom we owe that phone call. Well, Go Call!! Let’s talk. Let’s talk while we still have the opportunity to have the conversation. Let’s talk before we let too much time and distance erode the ties that bind us. Let’s talk because we still have time to create change and promote growth. Let’s talk now, with love in our hearts and pure peace on our minds.
So, I’m wondering: why do we as people, seem to resist saying what we really want to say? I’m sure at one point or another, we have all been there. Whether in your personal life or your career, you have found yourself at a juncture where you’ve decided NOT to say what you wanted to say. Or insisted on saying what you thought the person wanted to hear. We have all let our egos, fear and even judgments keep us from speaking up or speaking out. For instance, have you ever resisted telling a friend you were disappointed in them? Missed someone you continue to neglect to call? Have you ever wanted to be held by someone you were afraid to admit you needed? Or watched someone be disrespectful to another individual without speaking up?
Why do you think we do this? Is it our desire to conform socially and need to have others ‘like us’? Is it the fact that we fear the others reaction? Are we avoiding confrontation? Are we being too ‘nice’ and resisting telling others of the ugly behavior we’re observing? Do we convince ourselves we ‘just don’t care’ about the outcome, situation, or individual? Why do we resist telling others when they have hurt us? Or request a hug or word of encouragement during a moment of struggle? Why don’t we ask our parents the answers to questions that have bugged us since childhood? Or tell our friend the impact their absence has had on our lives? Why not share?
I think we don’t speak up because we fear. We fear social isolation or the loss of our relationships. As human beings we have an innate desire to belong and be loved. Our desire to cover our base needs creates in us the desire to preserve what we’ve obtained. Whether or not the relationships are healthy or serve us any longer, we hold on to them. We also fear change. We fear the unknown and hold onto the familiar tooth and nail. Why not share with the ones we love? Why don’t we say what we truly feel, share from our hearts, from that vulnerable place inside of us all? Fear! Fear stops us. While I get it, I have had my own experiences of it, and can empathize with others struggling to work through their fear, I say take the next step anyway. I say walk through the fear, not away from what scares you. What is the worst that can happen? In the end we are all much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And once you have stood and faced your fears, you realize just how fantastic and resilient you are. In the end, allowing for vulnerability in the face of fear, takes true bravery. Why not be courageous and optimistic, and go for it!
Here is what I propose. Let’s stop acting like conversations will kill us. Let’s stop running from our true feelings, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with those around us. Let’s bring the heart, soul and love back to communication. If you have been missing someone, go call them please. If you have unfinished business with someone dear to you, go have that conversation. If there is a situation at work that is affecting your happiness, please go talk to the person who can do something about it. Having trouble with a co worker, then invite them to lunch and hash things out. Whatever it is that is on your chest, that has been weighing on you, consuming your thoughts, causing you stress, release it. Have a conversation not only with yourself, but the other person at stake. We are all one. I am you and you are me. The division we create between us isn’t real, its self created, it’s a machine, a lie we’ve bought into and now perpetuate. Let’s talk. Let’s talk like we understand that there is no real division. Let’s have those conversations and remember we are not so different from one another. Our individual perspectives don’t separate us nor define us. Love is what defines us as human beings. Let’s remember the love, get related, and talk.
I’m sure many of us have someone, even if it’s just one person, whom we owe that phone call. Well, Go Call!! Let’s talk. Let’s talk while we still have the opportunity to have the conversation. Let’s talk before we let too much time and distance erode the ties that bind us. Let’s talk because we still have time to create change and promote growth. Let’s talk now, with love in our hearts and pure peace on our minds.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Beautiful...Beautiful...Black Men...This is for you!!!!!!
Originally I was going to blog about something else, but I was sitting here daydreaming about my husband and that triggered something inside of me.I have a deep sense of love and appreciation for brothas and I figure, hey, why not let the world know.
Lets start with the great and the obvious. Black men in every shade is just beautiful. The poetry that lives in the skin, swagger and style of black men is what makes me smile and melt every time.They come in all professions, some legal, some not and some of them are self employed but anyway you a slice it, a hard working brotha is just a beautiful sight. Lately I have been reading all these different posts, and articles about the death of the black man, and forget black men because they only want to exploit sistas, and how they are always in jail and so on and so forth. Although there is some truth in there about the tribulations of SOME brothers, NOT all of them are bad, on trial and should be thrown away.
This blog is dedicated to brothas period! I don't know what it's like growing up as a Black man in America. I do know though that wherever brothas grow up, there is a stereotype that follows. If he's the sole brotha in a milky white town, he's either the savior or the devil in someone's eyes. He can never just be him, out of the scrutiny of someone. Brothas growing up in the hood, now we all know the stereotypes there; He's bad. He's going to do be bad if he don't stop hanging out with these bad boys. Or the opposite for the quiet and studious ones. He's a nerd, he too quiet, maybe he gay. Lastly, if he's really cute then he's too conceited or he's a player or some girls are always going to fight over him. Can a brotha just live?
I have often wondered though what a brotha thinks about when he is encountered with these plethora of stereotypes daily. I wonder if some of them ever make him cry and want to get away from all the hype. I think of the ones who walked down the wrong path and wonder if it would have been different for them if they could do it over again. I wonder if some of these young guys feel terrible when they are on trial for murder, they must. I truly believe that everyone is born with innocence and something corrupts that innocence and they take a less than desirable path.Is there enough nurturing for young, black boys? Recently I read a case about a father punching his six year old in his chest because he couldn't fall asleep. He punched him repeatedly until he had a seizure and died, all the while his father screaming "Man up" at him. Could that be the issue? Young black boys have to man up because their environment says that they have to before their times? Just questions I have in my mind.
The black men that I have in my life are pretty stellar. Many of them are amazing fathers and husbands. They have beaten the odds of going to prison and dead at a premature age. They hold down careers and are constantly improving. They support their communities by mentoring and giving monetarily. I am grateful for that reality. I honor these men because they have gone above and beyond to make sure that they are not a stereotype. They have satisfied their own personal goals and have made their families proud. These brothas did what they knew was right and I am proud to know them. There are the other brothas who took a path that lead them to a lifetime of Central Booking, prisons and running from the police. I could say they make brothas look bad, but it's not about looking bad at this point. It's about supporting the little ones who are at a high risk of falling into a criminal lifestyle. Those same brothas who made it out of the hood or who made it out of the suburbs with a clean or not so clean police record have a duty to mentor a young boy who is at risk. It will alter his world, not just because a brotha is in his life, but a brotha with the same circumstances but chose a successful path.
I know not every brotha will be like the ones in Tyler Perry's movies but those men do exist. There are those brothas who do some unpleasant things for a number of years and then something changes in their lives and they change for good. Then there are those brothas who lose their lives to prison, drugs, crime and eventually death. Despite where in the spectrum brothas fall, we still need to show them love and honor them. We meaning sistas. I know some people will say that brothas play games, and they play sistas and they are no good and they are dead beats. However, what we need to remember is that they were not always that way, nor were we. At some point in time there was a beautiful coexistence between brothas and sistas and something happened. Something happened that divided the Black family and we turned on each other. We even hated each other and it has become very evident from the way that we speak to each other. Based on speaking to both men and women I have concluded that both parties want the same thing. To be loved with no judgment, not to be confused with to be loved and NOT taught. Both brothas and sistas want these things from each other, but somehow some sistas think that brothas don't have the courage to give them that and some brothas think that sistas are too far removed that they don't even bother.
STOP IT!!!!!!! Everybody needs to stop fronting like they don't need love. Both parties, sistas and brothas. We have all these groups that have popped up placing money over each other and blasting the message that brothas/sistas ain't shit. Really? So if we are all hating on each other, but still desiring a relationship then how do we expect that to happen if everybody is fronting like they hate each other? I understand that there is pain in everyone's past that has probably left some damage in your heart and spirit but one has to remember that not every man is the same. No and I will repeat that, not every man or woman is the same. If you really think about it, if YOU keep encountering the same thing time after time and YOU keep ending up with the same end result and if the common denominator is YOU then could it possibly be that YOU are the same, and YOU have not learned from your previous mistakes and YOU are looking to recreate every relationship to fashion the first? Brothas and sistas, whether it's going to take growing up, altering your thought process and realizing that we are here for each other something must be done. We cannot continue saying that we do not need each other, YES WE DO. The Black family unit is looking to make a strong comeback and we need more younger couples to make that happen.
I was guilty in my former years of saying that brothas weren't worthy. However, a few of my brothers were my reality check on brothas and I realize that I am the source of everything in my life and I had to alter ME. Once I got that I had to clean up my mental and shift my thoughts towards the positive for ME....my whole world opened up. I met all kinds of great brothas, and not even for dating, but just meeting to have conversation. When I met my husband we had great conversations. We talked about past relationships, the black family unit, and we were real with each other. No masks, no hiding, just kept it 100% through tears, truth and sitting on the hopes of creating a very strong, structured family. It is possible for everyone if they allow themselves to be vulnerable and at peace with the chatter in their minds. This blog is about brothas but I cannot possibly write about brothas and not include sistas. We need each other. We need that family unit once again. We need to raise our kids in unity and not every man for themselves. We need to build dynasties again, so that our children can stop dying before their times.
I love BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN AND WOMEN AS WELL.
Dedicated to my husband, Mr. J.Sylvan : )
Lets start with the great and the obvious. Black men in every shade is just beautiful. The poetry that lives in the skin, swagger and style of black men is what makes me smile and melt every time.They come in all professions, some legal, some not and some of them are self employed but anyway you a slice it, a hard working brotha is just a beautiful sight. Lately I have been reading all these different posts, and articles about the death of the black man, and forget black men because they only want to exploit sistas, and how they are always in jail and so on and so forth. Although there is some truth in there about the tribulations of SOME brothers, NOT all of them are bad, on trial and should be thrown away.
This blog is dedicated to brothas period! I don't know what it's like growing up as a Black man in America. I do know though that wherever brothas grow up, there is a stereotype that follows. If he's the sole brotha in a milky white town, he's either the savior or the devil in someone's eyes. He can never just be him, out of the scrutiny of someone. Brothas growing up in the hood, now we all know the stereotypes there; He's bad. He's going to do be bad if he don't stop hanging out with these bad boys. Or the opposite for the quiet and studious ones. He's a nerd, he too quiet, maybe he gay. Lastly, if he's really cute then he's too conceited or he's a player or some girls are always going to fight over him. Can a brotha just live?
I have often wondered though what a brotha thinks about when he is encountered with these plethora of stereotypes daily. I wonder if some of them ever make him cry and want to get away from all the hype. I think of the ones who walked down the wrong path and wonder if it would have been different for them if they could do it over again. I wonder if some of these young guys feel terrible when they are on trial for murder, they must. I truly believe that everyone is born with innocence and something corrupts that innocence and they take a less than desirable path.Is there enough nurturing for young, black boys? Recently I read a case about a father punching his six year old in his chest because he couldn't fall asleep. He punched him repeatedly until he had a seizure and died, all the while his father screaming "Man up" at him. Could that be the issue? Young black boys have to man up because their environment says that they have to before their times? Just questions I have in my mind.
The black men that I have in my life are pretty stellar. Many of them are amazing fathers and husbands. They have beaten the odds of going to prison and dead at a premature age. They hold down careers and are constantly improving. They support their communities by mentoring and giving monetarily. I am grateful for that reality. I honor these men because they have gone above and beyond to make sure that they are not a stereotype. They have satisfied their own personal goals and have made their families proud. These brothas did what they knew was right and I am proud to know them. There are the other brothas who took a path that lead them to a lifetime of Central Booking, prisons and running from the police. I could say they make brothas look bad, but it's not about looking bad at this point. It's about supporting the little ones who are at a high risk of falling into a criminal lifestyle. Those same brothas who made it out of the hood or who made it out of the suburbs with a clean or not so clean police record have a duty to mentor a young boy who is at risk. It will alter his world, not just because a brotha is in his life, but a brotha with the same circumstances but chose a successful path.
I know not every brotha will be like the ones in Tyler Perry's movies but those men do exist. There are those brothas who do some unpleasant things for a number of years and then something changes in their lives and they change for good. Then there are those brothas who lose their lives to prison, drugs, crime and eventually death. Despite where in the spectrum brothas fall, we still need to show them love and honor them. We meaning sistas. I know some people will say that brothas play games, and they play sistas and they are no good and they are dead beats. However, what we need to remember is that they were not always that way, nor were we. At some point in time there was a beautiful coexistence between brothas and sistas and something happened. Something happened that divided the Black family and we turned on each other. We even hated each other and it has become very evident from the way that we speak to each other. Based on speaking to both men and women I have concluded that both parties want the same thing. To be loved with no judgment, not to be confused with to be loved and NOT taught. Both brothas and sistas want these things from each other, but somehow some sistas think that brothas don't have the courage to give them that and some brothas think that sistas are too far removed that they don't even bother.
STOP IT!!!!!!! Everybody needs to stop fronting like they don't need love. Both parties, sistas and brothas. We have all these groups that have popped up placing money over each other and blasting the message that brothas/sistas ain't shit. Really? So if we are all hating on each other, but still desiring a relationship then how do we expect that to happen if everybody is fronting like they hate each other? I understand that there is pain in everyone's past that has probably left some damage in your heart and spirit but one has to remember that not every man is the same. No and I will repeat that, not every man or woman is the same. If you really think about it, if YOU keep encountering the same thing time after time and YOU keep ending up with the same end result and if the common denominator is YOU then could it possibly be that YOU are the same, and YOU have not learned from your previous mistakes and YOU are looking to recreate every relationship to fashion the first? Brothas and sistas, whether it's going to take growing up, altering your thought process and realizing that we are here for each other something must be done. We cannot continue saying that we do not need each other, YES WE DO. The Black family unit is looking to make a strong comeback and we need more younger couples to make that happen.
I was guilty in my former years of saying that brothas weren't worthy. However, a few of my brothers were my reality check on brothas and I realize that I am the source of everything in my life and I had to alter ME. Once I got that I had to clean up my mental and shift my thoughts towards the positive for ME....my whole world opened up. I met all kinds of great brothas, and not even for dating, but just meeting to have conversation. When I met my husband we had great conversations. We talked about past relationships, the black family unit, and we were real with each other. No masks, no hiding, just kept it 100% through tears, truth and sitting on the hopes of creating a very strong, structured family. It is possible for everyone if they allow themselves to be vulnerable and at peace with the chatter in their minds. This blog is about brothas but I cannot possibly write about brothas and not include sistas. We need each other. We need that family unit once again. We need to raise our kids in unity and not every man for themselves. We need to build dynasties again, so that our children can stop dying before their times.
I love BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN AND WOMEN AS WELL.
Dedicated to my husband, Mr. J.Sylvan : )
Friday, July 9, 2010
The People vs. The Police: A Peaceful Solution
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking towards the West Side of Manhattan and I read in headlines that the four cops who fired 41 rounds into unarmed, 23 year old Amadou Diallo was acquitted by a jury. I did not know Amadou personally, but that pain felt personal. I was stunned. I remember standing and staring at the news scrolling across the news ticker and it seemed like everything around me was just frozen, this must be the twilight zone, I thought. As I continued walking, and looking at the faces of my fellow New Yorkers, no one else seemed to have been affected by this tragedy. I was dumb founded, hurt and sick to my stomach.
Here we are, a little over a decade later and not much has changed when it comes to cops getting off with light sentences or acquittals. Although Oscar Grant's killer was filmed and watched live by hundreds of people as he shot his gun into the back of a handcuffed, unarmed Oscar Grant he was ONLY convicted of involuntary manslaughter. Which means that he can get off with a light sentence as probation or the maximum of four years in prison. There were several things about this case that bothered me from the beginning. The day after Oscar grant was murdered I remember reading about his rap sheet and how he's been arrested before and he was possibly going to fight on the train and in my mind, I am wondering, what the heck does this have to do with him being shot in the back? Oscar's killer claimed that he was going for his taser but used his gun instead. Why would you taze a handcuffed person anyway? I am furious, along with hundreds of other people because the simple fact remains, how can a police officer not know the difference between a firearm and a taser? Furthermore, if you cannot tell the difference then you should have never been given a gun and a badge to begin with. That in itself is a tragedy.
Here it is, the day after the trial and what sense of justice is there? Here in NYC there has been NO mention of Oscar Grant in the newspaper or on our news. Nothing. CNN had breaking news about where Lebron James will be playing ball next season but never mentions the trial and the outrage that Oakland residents are feeling. Interestingly enough, when Sean Bell who was shot 50 times by NYPD on his wedding day, many people across this country never even knew about the story and that too is tragic. However, we all know that the tragedy was worsened by the fact that his shooters were also acquitted.
I gave three popular examples of death by cop and I know there are hundreds more and I am saddened just thinking about it. However, the thing that breaks my heart the most of all is the apathy I have noticed in our communities. After the Sean Bell verdict I expected the NY Riots to go down, precincts to burn, curfews imposed and for the people to take the streets with chants and call backs of "NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE." Instead...silence. Al Sharpton said a little thing, the family expressed outrage but the community just shook their heads and said, "Yeah, NYPD wins again." WHAT??????? Now, I am certainly not advocating for a riot by any means, however the people taking the streets to have their voices heard is what I had in mind. At least a very loud outpouring of community support that would at least show the NYPD that we too can be unified and have each others backs. No such luck. Yesterday people were too caught up with Lebron to pay attention to Oscar Grant, but how many more of us can the police kill and we just sit back and just shake our heads? What has happened in our communities that we are no longer willing to organize ourselves, march to precincts and demand answers? What is the point of marching through the streets of any borough without the community having a sit down with the politicians and the police, so something can be done about these excessive bullets going into the bodies of young men of color?
The bottom line is that the cops are scared of the residents in the communities that they patrol. As tough as the community can be, they too fear the cops. We have a cycle of fear, mixed in with hundred of illegal guns on the streets, in addition to the rookies who have their firearms...that is a recipe for death to be rampant in our communities. Death by cop. The NYPD shot and killed one of their own last year. A young black man named Omar Edwards was mistaken for a perp and he was shot in his back and side by one of his own. It wasn't until EMS arrived to attend to his bleeding and handcuffed body that they realized he was one of them, but it was too late. Something has to give. This is about every police department in every major city vs. the people. That is a dangerous combination where communication and trust is absolutely void. It doesn't help when Mr. Sharpton makes every single thing about race and persecution of cops. Playing the blame game has never been a great source of relieving tension. The cops who patrol the streets should have a sit down with the people in the communities that they see daily. It would be in everyone's best interest to at least know the name of the officers who are always in your building and vice versa. Is this possible? Can this dialogue happen? It can but are both parties willing?
Fuck The Police cannot be and is not a solution for peace. Cops shooting unarmed kids in the back is also not a solution. Relatedness and willingness are the key instruments to achieving peace between cops and the people. Life would be easier if the community did not fear the people who are there to protect and serve. It would also make the cops' lives easier if they actually got to know the residents in their community. This is not the end all be all solution, but it is also more than an ideal, it is indeed a possibility but the everyone must be willing to work towards a peaceful existence or more people will die, cops and the people. I feel incomplete here because I know there are huge strides that need to be made to get this thought process into an action process. I will be reaching out to community leaders and seeing what is possible. I am also willing to speak to top cops and whoever needs to get spoken to so that we can all talk together. I am not willing to just express outrage at another verdict and then do nothing about it. I can't and I won't, I need support. Who's with me?
Here we are, a little over a decade later and not much has changed when it comes to cops getting off with light sentences or acquittals. Although Oscar Grant's killer was filmed and watched live by hundreds of people as he shot his gun into the back of a handcuffed, unarmed Oscar Grant he was ONLY convicted of involuntary manslaughter. Which means that he can get off with a light sentence as probation or the maximum of four years in prison. There were several things about this case that bothered me from the beginning. The day after Oscar grant was murdered I remember reading about his rap sheet and how he's been arrested before and he was possibly going to fight on the train and in my mind, I am wondering, what the heck does this have to do with him being shot in the back? Oscar's killer claimed that he was going for his taser but used his gun instead. Why would you taze a handcuffed person anyway? I am furious, along with hundreds of other people because the simple fact remains, how can a police officer not know the difference between a firearm and a taser? Furthermore, if you cannot tell the difference then you should have never been given a gun and a badge to begin with. That in itself is a tragedy.
Here it is, the day after the trial and what sense of justice is there? Here in NYC there has been NO mention of Oscar Grant in the newspaper or on our news. Nothing. CNN had breaking news about where Lebron James will be playing ball next season but never mentions the trial and the outrage that Oakland residents are feeling. Interestingly enough, when Sean Bell who was shot 50 times by NYPD on his wedding day, many people across this country never even knew about the story and that too is tragic. However, we all know that the tragedy was worsened by the fact that his shooters were also acquitted.
I gave three popular examples of death by cop and I know there are hundreds more and I am saddened just thinking about it. However, the thing that breaks my heart the most of all is the apathy I have noticed in our communities. After the Sean Bell verdict I expected the NY Riots to go down, precincts to burn, curfews imposed and for the people to take the streets with chants and call backs of "NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE." Instead...silence. Al Sharpton said a little thing, the family expressed outrage but the community just shook their heads and said, "Yeah, NYPD wins again." WHAT??????? Now, I am certainly not advocating for a riot by any means, however the people taking the streets to have their voices heard is what I had in mind. At least a very loud outpouring of community support that would at least show the NYPD that we too can be unified and have each others backs. No such luck. Yesterday people were too caught up with Lebron to pay attention to Oscar Grant, but how many more of us can the police kill and we just sit back and just shake our heads? What has happened in our communities that we are no longer willing to organize ourselves, march to precincts and demand answers? What is the point of marching through the streets of any borough without the community having a sit down with the politicians and the police, so something can be done about these excessive bullets going into the bodies of young men of color?
The bottom line is that the cops are scared of the residents in the communities that they patrol. As tough as the community can be, they too fear the cops. We have a cycle of fear, mixed in with hundred of illegal guns on the streets, in addition to the rookies who have their firearms...that is a recipe for death to be rampant in our communities. Death by cop. The NYPD shot and killed one of their own last year. A young black man named Omar Edwards was mistaken for a perp and he was shot in his back and side by one of his own. It wasn't until EMS arrived to attend to his bleeding and handcuffed body that they realized he was one of them, but it was too late. Something has to give. This is about every police department in every major city vs. the people. That is a dangerous combination where communication and trust is absolutely void. It doesn't help when Mr. Sharpton makes every single thing about race and persecution of cops. Playing the blame game has never been a great source of relieving tension. The cops who patrol the streets should have a sit down with the people in the communities that they see daily. It would be in everyone's best interest to at least know the name of the officers who are always in your building and vice versa. Is this possible? Can this dialogue happen? It can but are both parties willing?
Fuck The Police cannot be and is not a solution for peace. Cops shooting unarmed kids in the back is also not a solution. Relatedness and willingness are the key instruments to achieving peace between cops and the people. Life would be easier if the community did not fear the people who are there to protect and serve. It would also make the cops' lives easier if they actually got to know the residents in their community. This is not the end all be all solution, but it is also more than an ideal, it is indeed a possibility but the everyone must be willing to work towards a peaceful existence or more people will die, cops and the people. I feel incomplete here because I know there are huge strides that need to be made to get this thought process into an action process. I will be reaching out to community leaders and seeing what is possible. I am also willing to speak to top cops and whoever needs to get spoken to so that we can all talk together. I am not willing to just express outrage at another verdict and then do nothing about it. I can't and I won't, I need support. Who's with me?
Friday, July 2, 2010
Why Do People Settle...In Relationships?
" I mean I love him and all but I don't really love him like that. He ain't a marrying type of dude." Says one girl to her friend on the train. " Word! I feel you cuz my man please he don't be buying me shit. At least yours be buying you stuff you need. This fool ain't worth it. But at least he can pipe." Her friend replies. Omg!!!! Overhearing that conversation was funny and sad at the same time. These girls could not have been older than seventeen (I gathered that from their school uniforms) and they already were talking about their "men" in a way that implied they were settling and staying with them for all the wrong reasons. Of course I couldn't help but wonder where they adopted this pattern.
There was a woman I was acquainted with a while back who always had the same complaint about her relationship. She wasn't happy about where her relationship was going due to their financial constraints and she disliked the fact that he still lived with the mother of his children. That story always baffled me because I couldn't understand why you would be in a relationship with someone for a decade and he still lived with his childrens' mother. A year, okay, two years, is pushing it but TEN????? Anyone else head is spinning? Her justification was that he needed to stay in the home for his daughters and it didn't matter anyway because he slept on the couch. Yes my people, this will be settling.
I told that story because my concern has always been for her daughter. Not only are you dating a man who won't sleep over at your house for a decade but he comes late and leaves early and your daughter observes this pattern. My people this is not normal nor healthy. What that young girl is learning, is that relationships are about creeping. I guess to make up for his absenteeism he would adorn the mother and daughter with Coach, Gucci and Louis bags and shoes. You would think he was handing out love and affection by the way they acted. This young girl whose father was also absent would periodically show up, give her money here and there and because she has replaced money with love she loves her daddy a great deal...well as long as that cash flow continues. Guess what though? Since daddy isn't around that often and she needs to look fly always, she now seeks love/money from men who can provide it. We all know that no one gets anything for free and especially when you have it in your head that you need cash to stay fly which will therefore make you relevant and loved, you do what you need to do. In her case, risky, unprotected sex with grown men who said I love you girl, here's x amount of dollars and she sees those cartoon dollar signs in her eyes and she does whatever she needs to do for that cash. Wow!
Is this story shocking to anyone? Sadly probably not, right? With ridiculous shows like The Real Housewives of whatever messed up city and all these shows that idolize money and not love, what are these girls to think? These girls grow into women who get very confused about their wants in relationships. They claim they want men with six figure salaries, great jobs, pushing a nice Benz, education optional and mad sexy. I know depending on the girl the criteria changes. Some women do get this and they often end up unhappy. It's like they neglect to see the bigger picture. If he is working to make a six figure salary then chances are he will be working very late nights often. So they end up settling for a very tired man who spends a lot of time at work and who wants peace and quiet when he gets home. It doesn't have to be this extreme of a case for it to be considered settling.
You can be in a relationship with a great guy but if he doesn't satisfy you in every way then why would you stay? I took a poll on my Facebook page and I gathered some interesting feedback to that question. The one answer that jumped out was a lack of something within themselves. Due to their consistent cycle of settling they know nothing else and because that's what they know it seems normal. The truth is whatever you do one place then you probably do it everywhere, right? Probably. My mind wanders to women who are involved in domestic violence situations. They know the cycle of violence is toxic but they stay. Another answer I got from my poll was fear. Due to the fact that these women are living in oppressively tough situations I can only imagine what kind of fear consumes them. What does get these warriors out of their fearful situations is when they stop settling for fear and take on self love and courage and embrace it fully.
So in conclusion I think it makes a lot of sense to check out the cycle of the parent and see how it has trickled down to the child. It is important to remember to set standards and boundaries for yourself when it comes to dating. You have to carefully watch your patterns to see if it brings you destruction or bliss. And if you see a pattern of destruction, ask yourself why do you keep repeating the same pattern? What is the pay off here? In other words what do you get to be right about in a destructive situation? Is it possible that you get to say, Men ain't shit? Or Women ain't shit? Or that you always get hurt because you are unworthy of love? That could be some answers to the pay off question. However, the more important question you want to ask is what is this costing you? The cost would be after the pay off has worn off and all you're left with is your sadness, loneliness, suffering, grief and self loathing. Imagine how that feels. So in the example I gave earlier about that young girl, her pay off is that she gets to be right about always looking fly, having money and men always wanting to be around her. However, when she observes relationships based on love, the cost is bound to be a void of that true love. A love where she has to do nothing but be herself. A love where she is accepted for her and not the amount of stuff she can do for nice things. The cost is her happiness, her innocence and her dignity. Just writing that made me hurt for her.
It all goes back to the love of self. Once your self love is magnified and really put on blast, settling will never be an option for you. Fear can also have you do crazy things. Fear and Love are polar opposites, so they cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Fear will create a need for a pay off and a cost. Love creates more love and more love and more love and more love. Who will you choose to be? What will be your aim? Fear or Love? Either way, only you are in your head at the end of the day. Take inventory.
There was a woman I was acquainted with a while back who always had the same complaint about her relationship. She wasn't happy about where her relationship was going due to their financial constraints and she disliked the fact that he still lived with the mother of his children. That story always baffled me because I couldn't understand why you would be in a relationship with someone for a decade and he still lived with his childrens' mother. A year, okay, two years, is pushing it but TEN????? Anyone else head is spinning? Her justification was that he needed to stay in the home for his daughters and it didn't matter anyway because he slept on the couch. Yes my people, this will be settling.
I told that story because my concern has always been for her daughter. Not only are you dating a man who won't sleep over at your house for a decade but he comes late and leaves early and your daughter observes this pattern. My people this is not normal nor healthy. What that young girl is learning, is that relationships are about creeping. I guess to make up for his absenteeism he would adorn the mother and daughter with Coach, Gucci and Louis bags and shoes. You would think he was handing out love and affection by the way they acted. This young girl whose father was also absent would periodically show up, give her money here and there and because she has replaced money with love she loves her daddy a great deal...well as long as that cash flow continues. Guess what though? Since daddy isn't around that often and she needs to look fly always, she now seeks love/money from men who can provide it. We all know that no one gets anything for free and especially when you have it in your head that you need cash to stay fly which will therefore make you relevant and loved, you do what you need to do. In her case, risky, unprotected sex with grown men who said I love you girl, here's x amount of dollars and she sees those cartoon dollar signs in her eyes and she does whatever she needs to do for that cash. Wow!
Is this story shocking to anyone? Sadly probably not, right? With ridiculous shows like The Real Housewives of whatever messed up city and all these shows that idolize money and not love, what are these girls to think? These girls grow into women who get very confused about their wants in relationships. They claim they want men with six figure salaries, great jobs, pushing a nice Benz, education optional and mad sexy. I know depending on the girl the criteria changes. Some women do get this and they often end up unhappy. It's like they neglect to see the bigger picture. If he is working to make a six figure salary then chances are he will be working very late nights often. So they end up settling for a very tired man who spends a lot of time at work and who wants peace and quiet when he gets home. It doesn't have to be this extreme of a case for it to be considered settling.
You can be in a relationship with a great guy but if he doesn't satisfy you in every way then why would you stay? I took a poll on my Facebook page and I gathered some interesting feedback to that question. The one answer that jumped out was a lack of something within themselves. Due to their consistent cycle of settling they know nothing else and because that's what they know it seems normal. The truth is whatever you do one place then you probably do it everywhere, right? Probably. My mind wanders to women who are involved in domestic violence situations. They know the cycle of violence is toxic but they stay. Another answer I got from my poll was fear. Due to the fact that these women are living in oppressively tough situations I can only imagine what kind of fear consumes them. What does get these warriors out of their fearful situations is when they stop settling for fear and take on self love and courage and embrace it fully.
So in conclusion I think it makes a lot of sense to check out the cycle of the parent and see how it has trickled down to the child. It is important to remember to set standards and boundaries for yourself when it comes to dating. You have to carefully watch your patterns to see if it brings you destruction or bliss. And if you see a pattern of destruction, ask yourself why do you keep repeating the same pattern? What is the pay off here? In other words what do you get to be right about in a destructive situation? Is it possible that you get to say, Men ain't shit? Or Women ain't shit? Or that you always get hurt because you are unworthy of love? That could be some answers to the pay off question. However, the more important question you want to ask is what is this costing you? The cost would be after the pay off has worn off and all you're left with is your sadness, loneliness, suffering, grief and self loathing. Imagine how that feels. So in the example I gave earlier about that young girl, her pay off is that she gets to be right about always looking fly, having money and men always wanting to be around her. However, when she observes relationships based on love, the cost is bound to be a void of that true love. A love where she has to do nothing but be herself. A love where she is accepted for her and not the amount of stuff she can do for nice things. The cost is her happiness, her innocence and her dignity. Just writing that made me hurt for her.
It all goes back to the love of self. Once your self love is magnified and really put on blast, settling will never be an option for you. Fear can also have you do crazy things. Fear and Love are polar opposites, so they cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Fear will create a need for a pay off and a cost. Love creates more love and more love and more love and more love. Who will you choose to be? What will be your aim? Fear or Love? Either way, only you are in your head at the end of the day. Take inventory.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Self Love and Why It's Important
This entire week I have been thinking about a few friends whose lives ended very abruptly due to violence committed by their peers. In college my very good friend Matthew Hall was murdered in Harlem by someone whose only way of handling things was with a gun. Earlier in the year another Hunter College student was murdered. Her name was Romona Moore. Her life ended was by the hands of two men who raped and beat her to death. Most recently my world was rocked by the death of Michael Muchioki and Nia Haqq. Although I did not know them personally, I knew them. And the people who murdered them wanted to kill so they could see how it felt.
I often wonder if Matthew and Romona's killers shared that sentiment, doing it for the thrill. When did African American, Caribbean and Latino communities become a haven for youth between the ages of 18 and 24 to become cold blooded killers and rapists? Now, don't get me wrong I am not saying that other communities do not have these issues as well, but I am speaking to the evidence that I am witnessing currently. Matthew, Romona, Michael and Nia were all productive, positive and well loved people in their circles. They came from homes with parents who were active and present in their lives, they went to college, they did well, and lead full lives. How does it make sense that young people who were up to so much get taken out by people who are up to just taking life out of the community? I previously thought that it made no sense and nothing could be done, until I started to think like a sociologist.
Does someone become a killer over night? No! However in one's life between the ages of four and eight are extremely delicate. This is where children learn about love, passion, punishment, consequences, hate and they discover their friends and they either choose them or they are chosen depending on how much direction they receive at home. Now, I am no specialist but I can bet you guys 50 cents that the killers of these young people, probably had something traumatic happen in that development age that shaped their perception of the world since then. They were probably fed lies that they were less than, they weren't enough and it is possible that they were once great students but they did not receive the positive attention that they should have, so they turned to the dark side.
Children cannot learn self love on their own. It has to be taught, and reinforced daily. They have to be reminded by parents and those around them that they are whole, complete and capable of everything that is great, positive and wonderful in life. Children should be praised for their work, and their accomplishments. When a child does something that isn't positive, beating should not be an option. Take it from me, who was beat as a kid and yes I am testifying that all it did was reinforce that those who love you, will beat you, even if you did not do the crime. When a child does something in error, a conversation needs to be had. Talk to the child and see why they made that choice. They are not fools, they are fully present and their answers may surprise you. Listen to the children, they have wisdom. Chances are if you establish a conversational way of working out errors when they are little, one can only think that those patterns will continue when they become teenagers and adults. Too many children are scared of what their parents will do or say, so they hide, they lie and they get into further trouble because they are very scared of the consequences.
I say all this to say that love starts at home. Which means that lying, hiding and secret keeping starts at home too. Some people are able to pull themselves out of destructive situations and go on to live productive lives, however I can guarantee they have issues with trust and being forth coming because of their childhood chaos. I am not saying that someone who grew up in loving home will be perfect, but I am saying that they will probably be more honest, forthcoming and straight forward because that is what they have been taught. I urge parents to talk more and beat less. Go to PTA meetings, get in touch with your kids' closest friends' parents, share your errors with them, BE HUMAN!!!!! The end result will be rewarding. I cannot promise that your child will not do something that won't make you want to beat them or punch them in the head but check yourself. Is this something you would have done? Is this a path you or your partner would have chosen? Is this forgivable? If one out of three of these answers is yes, then work with your child, talk to them. Don't scold and yell with no follow up conversation. And to those of you old school parents please don't say, well I would have never said that or done that. Yes, I understand but this is 2010 and our children are up against things that you and I have never dreamed of. The predators are out in full force and the internet is a HUGE predator to. It is up to us to teach our children....we must or the streets and or prison will teach them the lesson we failed to.
Let us be a community who thrive on love, teaching and forgiveness. Instead of just being a bunch of tough parents, how about we be loving parents who show our kids our flaws and errors and how we learned from them. How about we stop hiding and pretending like we are perfect and stop punishing our children for just doing things that children do. Teach our babies, and not beat our babies. Love our babies and not punish our babies. Talk to them lovingly, with patience and faith that they will learn to practice the right way of living. We all need to do this, because once a child feels like they do not have the love of their parent, they start looking elsewhere. Elsewhere has often proven to be dangerous. Love is the answer to healing our communities. The love begins with us. Love you the most and you will realize that you will have nothing but love to offer anyone else. Forgive yourself for all your transgressions and appreciate the life and the person you have become. Learn from your errors and stop punishing yourself. Look towards the future and remember that you are whole, complete and capable of all things. Just say the word and so it shall be.
This blog is dedicated to Romona Moore, Matthew Hall, Nia Haqq, Michael Muchioki and their families and loved ones.
I often wonder if Matthew and Romona's killers shared that sentiment, doing it for the thrill. When did African American, Caribbean and Latino communities become a haven for youth between the ages of 18 and 24 to become cold blooded killers and rapists? Now, don't get me wrong I am not saying that other communities do not have these issues as well, but I am speaking to the evidence that I am witnessing currently. Matthew, Romona, Michael and Nia were all productive, positive and well loved people in their circles. They came from homes with parents who were active and present in their lives, they went to college, they did well, and lead full lives. How does it make sense that young people who were up to so much get taken out by people who are up to just taking life out of the community? I previously thought that it made no sense and nothing could be done, until I started to think like a sociologist.
Does someone become a killer over night? No! However in one's life between the ages of four and eight are extremely delicate. This is where children learn about love, passion, punishment, consequences, hate and they discover their friends and they either choose them or they are chosen depending on how much direction they receive at home. Now, I am no specialist but I can bet you guys 50 cents that the killers of these young people, probably had something traumatic happen in that development age that shaped their perception of the world since then. They were probably fed lies that they were less than, they weren't enough and it is possible that they were once great students but they did not receive the positive attention that they should have, so they turned to the dark side.
Children cannot learn self love on their own. It has to be taught, and reinforced daily. They have to be reminded by parents and those around them that they are whole, complete and capable of everything that is great, positive and wonderful in life. Children should be praised for their work, and their accomplishments. When a child does something that isn't positive, beating should not be an option. Take it from me, who was beat as a kid and yes I am testifying that all it did was reinforce that those who love you, will beat you, even if you did not do the crime. When a child does something in error, a conversation needs to be had. Talk to the child and see why they made that choice. They are not fools, they are fully present and their answers may surprise you. Listen to the children, they have wisdom. Chances are if you establish a conversational way of working out errors when they are little, one can only think that those patterns will continue when they become teenagers and adults. Too many children are scared of what their parents will do or say, so they hide, they lie and they get into further trouble because they are very scared of the consequences.
I say all this to say that love starts at home. Which means that lying, hiding and secret keeping starts at home too. Some people are able to pull themselves out of destructive situations and go on to live productive lives, however I can guarantee they have issues with trust and being forth coming because of their childhood chaos. I am not saying that someone who grew up in loving home will be perfect, but I am saying that they will probably be more honest, forthcoming and straight forward because that is what they have been taught. I urge parents to talk more and beat less. Go to PTA meetings, get in touch with your kids' closest friends' parents, share your errors with them, BE HUMAN!!!!! The end result will be rewarding. I cannot promise that your child will not do something that won't make you want to beat them or punch them in the head but check yourself. Is this something you would have done? Is this a path you or your partner would have chosen? Is this forgivable? If one out of three of these answers is yes, then work with your child, talk to them. Don't scold and yell with no follow up conversation. And to those of you old school parents please don't say, well I would have never said that or done that. Yes, I understand but this is 2010 and our children are up against things that you and I have never dreamed of. The predators are out in full force and the internet is a HUGE predator to. It is up to us to teach our children....we must or the streets and or prison will teach them the lesson we failed to.
Let us be a community who thrive on love, teaching and forgiveness. Instead of just being a bunch of tough parents, how about we be loving parents who show our kids our flaws and errors and how we learned from them. How about we stop hiding and pretending like we are perfect and stop punishing our children for just doing things that children do. Teach our babies, and not beat our babies. Love our babies and not punish our babies. Talk to them lovingly, with patience and faith that they will learn to practice the right way of living. We all need to do this, because once a child feels like they do not have the love of their parent, they start looking elsewhere. Elsewhere has often proven to be dangerous. Love is the answer to healing our communities. The love begins with us. Love you the most and you will realize that you will have nothing but love to offer anyone else. Forgive yourself for all your transgressions and appreciate the life and the person you have become. Learn from your errors and stop punishing yourself. Look towards the future and remember that you are whole, complete and capable of all things. Just say the word and so it shall be.
This blog is dedicated to Romona Moore, Matthew Hall, Nia Haqq, Michael Muchioki and their families and loved ones.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)