Monday, February 20, 2012

Forbidden Fruit

Why is the forbidden fruit so incredibly enticing all the time? It is the one thing that EVERYONE knows is bad for them, yet they cannot resist it. I myself am guilty of that in two specific areas; food and men. I love food, all kinds of food, and it just happens that the more unhealthy is, the more I would flock to it. This clearly has been my detriment because I am severely overweight and I did not have the zeal to work off my food addictions, so the weight kept on coming. I have the same mentality about men. There are men who I have known that were not good for me, yet still I flocked to them like bees to flowers. What on earth was wrong with me?

I know that if anyone tells me I can't that makes me defy them and show them that I can. Even if it was to my detriment, I was not going to be proven wrong under any circumstances. Therefore, I did what I thought was building my character, but instead I was only feeding my ego and neglecting my divinity. I can see that as clear as day now, and I can say confidently that I have no regrets. I realize that I had to live these lessons in order to overstand and truly appreciate what it is like to think with clarity and the consciousness that my body is a temple. My mind is a temple. My spirituality is a temple and I need to take care of myself and treat myself royally because I am a loved child of God. There is nothing that I have to prove to anyone. My vision is treat myself well and to keep using my thoughts to give rise to actions that correlate with my ascension into divinity and to honor myself and honor God.

I now would look at soda or fried foods, and I  can think that it may smell good or look good but it is NOT good for me. It doesn't add anything to my body that will promote a clear mind. It doesn't add any value that would keep my body active or keep my metabolism going. Unhealthy food is such a detriment to me now, that I look back and wonder how did I get so far removed from my true self. Why did I pick up these unhealthy eating habits? The truth is that I never knew any other way. I ate what was there without truly giving thought to what it may be doing to my body. I just ate. Now, that I am aware and I do have the consciousness to choose what goes into my temple, I honestly don't even crave those healthy things anymore. My body rejects the mere thought of it.

The same goes for toxic men. I was just choosing wrong guy after wrong guy because I was attracting takers. I thought that if I gave of myself, time, energy and love to these men, perhaps one day they would see my worth and in turn decide to reciprocate the same kinds of feelings. I thought that perhaps they would give me the energy and time and love that I had been putting in. However, that never happened. They never saw. They took all that I had to offer, without returning anything into my emotional bank and I was BROKE. I mean I poured all of my energy into these men who were not deserving and I was broke, drained, dried up, spent and just finished. I would look back on these relationships and wonder what happened? How did I allow myself to not be loved and treated the way that I wanted to? The answer was in front of me all along. I was giving these men what I should have been giving to myself. I should have been pouring all that time, love and energy into building myself up and not giving it to them. They took my energy and used their own to pour it into themselves and into other women. I was so blinded by the PROSPECT of love that I never let the prospect grow into ACTUAL love. I left them at bay and as a result I got to be closed off, blocked off and not really open up at all. I invested so much in them that I stopped them from really getting a glimpse at me. I never gave them an opportunity to cater to me or to really wow me or sweep me off of my feet because I chose to do all the work. It was safer for me that way. I am a keeper and holder of EVERYONE'S secrets and that is what I am good at, but NO ONE knows any of my secrets, not really and that has kept me really safe but lonely this entire time. I keep people away, because if I opened up, then what would I have to give if it looks as though I am broken too? I am supposed to have it together and be the healer. Healers have no pain, we are healed, we were born this way, no issues at all... Yea, right!

Clearly, I know that all healers have a past, and yes they did heal but it did not happen overnight. What I am learning is to let go of my obsession of getting it right, looking good and being a perfectionist because that is so inauthentic. The person that is here today has been through a series of things, hurts, pain, tribulations, bottom of the barrel and everything else any person has been through. I too have those moments that would make someone gasp if I told them the entire story of some of my lessons. However, those lessons are what makes me so incredibly powerful now. Those lessons are what makes me a healer, and a compassionate listener, judgement free. Who I am now is a womyn that is still a work in progress but I understand now that my entire life is for a purpose. I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is to heal. I am here to heal all those who want and need it. I can do that by sharing my story and helping others to get to the other side of pain.

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1 comment:

  1. What you've been through makes you strong and powerful. Slowly releasing those stories to those you choose to trust will give you grace. Those you choose to gift yourself to will either respond in kind or weasel away - either way, you become closer to knowing your divinity and wiser about who to trust. Life is a leap of faith - every day.

    You're phenomenal.

    <3 Amy